Perpetual Night
by jessalyn78
Summary: How will highly protective and emotionally scarred Christian Grey when his wife Ana is viciously attacked?
1. Chapter 1

"Oh God" I gasp as I struggle to stand to my feet. I look around, no one is here. He's gone. I'm alone- only me, darkness and the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. My inner goddess is dead. A part of _me_ is dead. "Oh God" I repeat. Rage flares up in me at _him_ at the stranger who invaded my body in such a deeply personal way. Suddenly the word "rape" sounds strange to me. It doesn't even begin to describe what just happened. How violent it was, how disgusting it was. I can't stand the thought that he put his hands on me, that he's been inside of me- the place where only Christian's been, the place where only Christian ever should be. "Oh God" I repeat a third time as hot tears begin to roll down my bruised face. Christian- what is Christian going to say. I'm his. He always likes to say that. "I'm his and I'll only ever be his." Only now that isn't true. I've been somebody else's. "I fought" I say to myself as if I were talking to him. "I swear to God I fought." I pick up my phone, my hand trembling unsure of what to do. How am I ever going to tell him, how am I ever going to tell Christian I've been raped?

* * *

"Hey baby" Christian says in the sweet, nonchalant tone he always uses when I call him. His words cut through me like a knife. He has no idea what's happened. He has no idea what I'm about to tell him.

"Christian?" I say my voice trembling revealing the depth of my anguish.

"What is it?" he asks urgently.

"I need you" I say simply unable to bring myself to reveal any further details.

"What is going on?" he asks heatedly. I can feel inside of myself how scared he is. I can feel his fear, but I still hold back knowing the pain of knowing will hurt him more than the fear of not knowing.

"Can you meet me at the hospital?"

"Damn it Ana, tell me what's happening!"

"I can't" I sob. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Baby,tell me what is going on!" he begs in a desperate tone.

"Please just meet me at the hospital. I'll tell you there. I'll tell you there- I promise."

"Are you okay?" he asks with a fear in his voice that shakes me to my core.

"Yeah" I reply, unable to fight my urge to put his mind at ease. "Just meet me there" I say coldly as I hang up.

"I'm _not_ okay" I think to myself. "I'll never be okay again."

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	2. Chapter 2

I sit on the cold, hard table tucked away in some corner of the hospital and try to fight the memories forcing their way to the surface of my mind. But the harder I fight, the harder they fight back. I cringe and remember his hand over my mouth, his legs pinning mine down. Suddenly my thoughts are interrupted when I hear a voice outside the door and recognize it as Christian's, moments after he's standing in front of me staring intently.

"What the hell happened?" he asks as he makes his way over to me and pulls me into an unexpected hug. "Were you in an accident?"

"No" I respond. I decide I need to tell him the truth. I blurt it out, as quick as I can like I'm ripping off a bandage.

"I was attacked."

"What?" he asks shocked as he takes a step back. "How?"

"I went for a walk-" I begin to explain.

"Outside? Alone?" he asks as some of his anger seems to begin to be aimed at me.

"I just wanted to clear my head" I explain defending myself.

"Damn it Anna, I would have sent someone to walk with you. Hell, I have a fucking plane; I could have taken you anywhere!"

"I didn't know this was going to happen!" I yell pissed that he seems to be blaming me, but then I notice the tears in his eyes and start to wonder if that is in fact what is happening.

"I would have protected you" he says. "I would have never let this happen to you, I wish you would have let me protect you…"

"I didn't know this was going to happen" I repeat angirly.

There is a moment of silence between us, but it ends as I feel him peel back the very top of my hospital gown.

"What is that?" he asks pointing to the unsightly mark that has formed on the top of my right breast.

"Nothing" I respond as I readjust the gown and look away. I can't look at him right now; I can't see the pain on his face. I can't let him see the pain on mine.

"That's a burn isn't it Ana?" he asks heatedly as he gently guides my face with his hand, forcing me to look at him.

"Yes" I admit sheepishly.

"He burned you!?" he asks, the fury visibly spreading through his body.

"Yes" I respond quickly, swallowing hard, trying to choke back the urge to cry.

"With what?" he asks as he clenches his jaw.

I try to phrase it in the least upsetting way, I try to say it quick, hoping the words won't resonate, hoping it won't give him memories. "He had a cigarette…"

"Fuck!" he screams as he knocks over the table next to my bed.

"Christian-"I start, trying to calm him down.

"Tell me who did this?" he demands angrily, staring at me, his beautiful grey eyes filled with fury and anguish.

"It was a stranger, I don't know who it was. He just came up behind me out of nowhere-"

"I need more than that" he demands as he tries to catch his breath. "What was he wearing? What did he look like? What street were you on when it…. when it happened?"

"Why do you want to know?" I ask.

"Damn it Ana, why do you think? I'm going to make sure he pays for this!"

"How?"

"I'm going to find him, no matter how long it takes. No matter how many people I have to hire to help me- I'm going to find him. I'm not going to let someone hurt you like this and live."

"Don't talk like that" I beg as fear over what he might do ripples through me.

"Why not?" he asks staring at me intensely.

"It scares me. You might go to prison and I- I can't lose you" I admit and I can't hold back my sobs any longer. I let the first one go, and then I am no longer in control. I start to feel myself become completely undone. Before I know what is happening he has me in his arms, pressed close against his chest. He's stroking my hair and rocking me, and I have never felt so close to him, or to anyone else in my entire life.

"Shh" he comforts me gently. "I'm sorry" he says with a dull, numbness in his voice. "I never wanted you to know what this feels like. I never wanted you to have to know..."

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	3. Chapter 3

"Tell me what happened baby" he says gently cupping my face with his hands.

"I already did" I say choking back my sobs.

"Tell me everything that happened" he replies gazing steadily at me.

I breathe in deep, replaying the horrific incident in my head. "I was walking and this guy came up to me from behind. He pushed me to the ground, and he started to pull on my clothes. I screamed and he covered my mouth with his hand. I bit him and then he did this-" I explain gazing down at my chest. "And then he-"

"And then he what, Ana?" he asks me heatedly. "And then he what?" he repeats his voice growing more urgent.

"And then he raped me" I blurt out shocked by myself as I say it. As soon as the words fly out of my mouth I want to push them back in.

Christian immediately turns white as a sheet. I've never seen him so pale; it looks like the wind has been knocked out of him.

"What did you just say?" he asks in a horrified whisper.

"I was raped" I repeat in a hush, the words sting me on their way out.

"No" he whispers as he stares at the ground. "No!" he repeats louder as tears form in his eyes. "This can't be happening" I hear him mumble under his breath.

"I tried to get away, I fought. I fought so hard."

He looks at me and his gaze turns softer as he sits next to me and stares into the distance. "I know you did Anastasia" he says softly, but I noticed him clenching his fists tightly.

"I hated it. Every minute of it- his touch on my skin, it was torture."

"I should have been there. I should have protected you. I should have kept you safe. God, why did you have to take off like that!?"

"Christian, come on!" I say frustrated that he's starting up with this again.

"Now do you see?" he asks desperately as he takes my hand in his. "Now do you see why I had all those rules? I know what can happen out there in the world Anastasia and I wanted to keep you from that. To keep you from this!"

"I'm not going to apologize for taking a walk, so if that's what you want you can forget it!" I snap.

"I want you to be okay!" he yells. "You have my heart Ana, you are my heart. When you hurt, I hurt. Seeing you like this kills me. Knowing what he did to you kills me!"

"You blaming me kills me!" I snap back venomously. I see the effect my words have on his face, but in this moment I don't care. I need him to understand what he's doing to me.

"I don't blame you" he says reassuringly. "I didn't protect you, do you know what that's doing to me Ana? Do you have any idea what that feels like. You're my Ana. The only thing I really want- the only thing in the world that really matters is keeping you safe, you and our kids. And I failed."

I'm not sure how to respond to this. Part of me wants to fall into his arms again, but the other part of me just wants to curl up into a ball in the corner of the room and stay there forever. Christian finally breaks the silence.

"I know how much that hurts" he says shakily, gently caressing my skin an inch above the burn. "I'm going to make sure they give you something for that. I'm going to take care of you Ana. I'm going to fix this for you."

It takes everything with in me to fight the words "you can't" from flying out of my mouth. For his sake I keep quiet. This is what he needs right now, he needs to think he can make this better or he's going to drive himself insane.

"It's going to scar" I say unsure of why I am choosing to voice this of all thoughts. At this point I could give a shit about a scar.

"I'll get a plastic surgeon to look at it once it heals" he says gently. "It's going to take a long time to heal though Ana, a really long time."

I wonder if he realizes how ironic his words are. It's not the burn that's going to take a really long time to heal, and even if it does who cares? It's me that's going to take a long time to heal. All of me. Everything inside me. I wonder if he realizes that?

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	4. Chapter 4

Christian stays with me in my room and rocks me gently. I need Christian. I need him more than I ever have, and I relish in the fact that this man that I love wants to take care of me. But I'm having trouble processing everything. His touch is comforting, but also alien in an odd way. Everything feels alien. I've never felt this uncomfortable in my own skin before. "Christian?" I ask, my voice sounding much weaker than I intended it too.

"What is it?" he responds quickly looking down into my eyes.

"Can I ask you to do something for me?"

"Anything Ana."

"Can you tell me I'm beautiful?"

"What?"

"Right now I feel ugly, and I want to feel better…."

"Hey-" he interrupts sounding almost angry. "Don't you ever call yourself ugly, don't you ever feel that way. You are my smart, sweet, beautiful Ana. You're perfect. This doesn't change that- not in the slightest."

"You aren't… ? Never mind."

"I'm not what, baby?"

I sigh as I struggle to find the words to describe my emotions. "You're not disgusted? Because I am- with him, with myself…"

"Stop!" he barks and it sends a chill through my spine. "Anastasia Grey, do not talk about yourself like that. Not ever."

"I can't help it, it's how I feel."

"Well you're wrong" he says desperately as his hand slinks over my stomach protectively. "You are perfect and you are beautiful and you are mine. Nothing has changed."

"Christian, we can't just ignore this. You have to have feelings about this too. Talk to me, please. I need to know what you're feeling."

"I feel really pissed off Anastasia" he admits in a rough voice.

"At me?" I ask in a small voice.

He takes a deep breath in looks in my eyes. "I love you. This wasn't your fault. This doesn't change _anything_ about the way I feel about you. But…"

"But?"

"I'm angry at you for putting yourself in danger. Again. It's like you don't get it. It's like you don't understand how much it would kill me to lose you."

"I didn't put myself in danger!" I snap back. "Christian I went for a fucking walk!"

"Alone, outside, by yourself, in the dark…"

"Yeah" I snort back. "I guess that means I deserve this, huh? I guess you want to throw me over your knee right here in this hospital!"

"No to the first question Ana. Definitely a no, you didn't deserve this. You are the last person on the earth who deserves this. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I swear to God I'm going to make him pay…."

"And the second question?" I ask bitterly.

"I couldn't do that to you. Not while you're like this. But from now on some things are going to change…"

"What does that mean?"

"I mean I'm not going to let you get hurt again Anastasia. There will be some new rules."

"Rules?"

"Yes, you are never to be outside without someone with you. You are never to leave the house without me knowing. I'm to know where you are at all times, and who you are with. Whenever you leave the house you'll have pepper spray. "

"Are you going to make me sign a contract?" I ask angrily.

"Ana, you need to cooperate."

"This is crazy, you realize that right? You are being extremely over the top."

"Apparently I haven't been protective enough in the past. That's going to change. No one is going to hurt you again Ana. No one will ever hurt you or our kids."

"That isn't the way life works Christian, you can't protect us all the time-"

"I can and I will" he interrupts.

"I can't deal with this right now" I say starting to cry.

"That's okay" he says soothingly as he rubs my back. "You don't have to deal with anything right now. Just get some sleep. Just get some sleep for right now baby."

"Excuse me" a nurse interrupts walking into the room. "Mrs. Grey, I need to speak with you."

"Okay" I answer sitting up.

"What's going on?" Christian asks annoyed.

"I need to speak to Mrs. Grey alone" the nurse replies.

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying right here."

"This is a private matter-"

"And I'm her husband."

"It's okay" I interject knowing this could go on forever. "He can stay, it's fine."

"All right" the nurse replies skeptically. "Mrs. Grey we're going to have to perform a rape kit."

"Shit" I say to myself. This is real. This is happening. I'm not sure what to do. I look at Christian for answers. I see his face. He looks horrified. God, my poor fifty.

"Okay" I answer simply staring down at the floor.

"You _won't_ be able to stay Mr. Grey."

"Is it going to hurt her?" he asks and I notice there are tears in his eyes.

"There will be some discomfort. Would you like me to explain the process to you?"

"No" I answer wanting this whole horrific ordeal to be over as soon as possible.

"Does she have to do this now?" Christian asks desperately.

"The sooner we do it, the better" the nurse responds.

"Can I have something to eat first, I haven't eaten all day" I explain quickly glancing at Christian. And as I suspect he's glaring at me.

"It's better that you don't eat or drink beforehand."

"Shit" I repeat in my head knowing what I just started. Christian isn't going to let this go. He isn't going to wait in the hall for hours while doctors poke and prod at me knowing I'm hungry, and scared, and hurt. He's going to throw a fit of epic proportions, and God I just want to get out of here as soon as possible.

"She needs to eat" Christian says to the nurse in a domineering tone.

"It's better that she doesn't eat or drink beforehand" the nurse repeats.

"Christian I'm fine, I can eat after. Please, I just want to get this over with."

"They can wait until you've eaten something."

"They took my clothes" I say trying to change the subject.

"What?" he replies.

"The hospital has the clothes that I was wearing. I'm going to need clothes, to wear home. Could you go home and grab some for me?"

"I'll call and ask someone to go get them to bring them here-"

"No!" I interject. "God Christian, I don't want anyone to know about this. Please. Please just go get some clothes for me, and let them do what they need to do so that we can go home. Once we're home I'll eat whatever you want me to, and I'll kiss our babies, and then we can sleep in our own bed. Please don't make me stay here longer than I need to" I add as my voice starts to break.

"Okay" he says after a moment of deep thinking. "I'll get your clothes, and I'll wait for you while the doctors do what they need to. But you have to eat first Ana. You have enough to deal with, I don't want you hungry on top of it all."

"Fine" I respond, tired of fighting with him. "I'll eat something quick."

* * *

I have the oddest feeling as I'm finally able to leave my little room. While I was in it, it felt like a prison; an ugly four-walled prison that I was desperate to get out of. But now I realize it also felt safe. Now I'm out in the open, where everyone can see me. I pull my sweatshirt closer to my body and scan the waiting room for Christian. When I finally find him I notice he is asleep and in the throes of a nightmare.

"No" he's saying as he tosses and turns. "No, you can't hurt her. Not Ana. You can't hurt my Ana. No!"

"Christian" I say comfortingly. "Christian, I'm right here, it's okay."

He awakes but not fully, he grabs me in his arms and hugs me tightly. "Ana" he whispers into my hair before he reaches full consciousness.

"We can go now" I say simply, staring at the floor.

"Okay" he responds softly. "Let's go baby."

He wraps his arm around me as we exit the hospital but then he pauses as his phone rings.

"I have to get this" he says as he retrieves the phone.

"Christian, seriously?" I ask.

"Yes" he responds. "This is a very important call."

"More important than me?"

"This is about you Ana, I told you I was going to find him. I'm going to find the man who did this to you, and the man who is calling is going to help me find the bastard."

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	5. Chapter 5

"What do you mean? Who is that?" I ask completely clueless as to what is going on.

"I'll tell you in a minute" he says as he flips the phone open and walks a few feet away.

"Oh God" I think to myself as I fold my arms in front of my chest. "What is Christian doing? What kind of trouble is he getting himself into?" I try my hardest to listen in on what he is saying.

"I still have a few more questions to ask her. Yes, thank you. I'll stay in contact."

"Who was that?" I ask is he makes his way back over to me.

"I've hired a private investigator- he's one of the best in the country."

"Christian, you don't need to do that" I say exasperated. "I'll report it to the police- they can find him. That's why I just went through all that in there, so the police will be able to find him."

"Ana, the chances of the police actually finding him are slim. I'm going to be paying this man a considerable amount of money to make sure that this is his top priority."

"What are you going to do when he finds him?" I ask in a whisper.

"I'm going to kill him Anastasia" he says in a serious voice that sends a chill down my spine.

"You can't do that" I say, my voice breaking. "Christian, the kids and I need you."

"Hey" he interrupts. "Ana, I am not going anywhere."

"You do realize that if you murder him you'll end up in prison, right?"

"I won't go to prison Ana, I'll be very careful about this. I don't want you to worry."

"How am I supposed to not worry? Christian, I don't want you to do this…"

"It isn't negotiable Anastaisa" he says in a cold, hard voice.

"Please-" I beg.

"Ana" he interrupts. "I said I didn't want you to worry about this and I meant it, okay? Let's go home. I'm going to take care of you. It's going to be oaky."

"Okay" I say defeated. I'm going to continue to fight him on this, but not now. Now I just need to get home.

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I feel a wave of relief as I walk into the house. I'm reminded of my actual life. My life with Christian and the kids, that life seems like such a stark contrast to what my life has been like tonight.

"Do you want me to draw you a bath?" Christian asks softly.

"Okay" I answer. "But I really need to see the kids first. I've wanted to see them since it happened. I was so afraid I'd never see them again…"

I stop as I notice that Christian is gripping his fists tightly again. He's angry, and I can't say I blame him. I'm angry too. If that bastard had killed me, my kids would have lost their mother. The thought makes me cringe.

"I'll set everything up while you see them" he says kissing my hair softly.

I walk away towards Pheobe's nursery.

"Anastasia-" he calls out suddenly.

"Yes?" I respond turning around.

"I love you, I love you so much it scares me. If you had been-"

"I wasn't" I interrupt. "Christian, I'm right here. You haven't lost me."

"I know" he responds and for the first time since this whole terrible thing happened, I see him crack a small smile. It feels so good to see him smile. It makes me feel like maybe everything really is going to be okay.

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"How are the kids?" he asks as I step into the bathroom.

"Beautiful" I respond "perfect." I take a deep breath. "It's hard to believe…" I say, but stop suddenly.

"What's hard to believe?" he asks his eyes blazing with concern.

"That there can be such evil in the same world where our kids live- our perfect, beautiful babies. It scares me."

"Now you know how I feel" he says as he wraps his arms around me softly. "Ana, do you know how much time I've spent since we've met, worrying for you? Worrying that something like this would happen. Now that it has, it doesn't even feel real."

"It doesn't feel real to me either" I respond softly.

I feel something brush against my chest, and I notice that he's staring at the burn again. God, I hate that burn. It's such an ugly reminder of what happened, of the searing pain I felt. And Christian…. I don't think I've ever heard of such a cruel twist of irony. The man who was scarred mentally, emotionally, and physically as a child now has to see a wound on my chest that bares resemblance to his.

"Oh Anastasia" he whispers as he kisses my hair. "Does it hurt still baby?"

"Just a little" I answer, downplaying it a bit, there's no need to rub this in. I can already tell how hurt he is.

"Are you sore anywhere else?"

"Not really" I lie.

"Tell me the truth" he says firmly as he looks into my eyes. "You can tell me the truth Ana, please, don't shut me out."

"I'm not" I say. "I just don't want to hurt you."

"Helping you is not going to hurt me. I need it Ana. I need to help you. Please. Please let me help you baby. Talk to me."

"Okay" I say softly as I pull away and sit on the floor. He sits down next to me, and tucks a stray hair behind my ear.

"I'm sore everywhere" I confess. "My head, my arms, my legs… This hurts the most though" I say looking down at the burned flesh on my chest.

I notice Christian has started to touch his own chest, and I wonder if he realizes he is doing it.

"Have you used any of the cream they gave you at the hospital?" he asks staring blankly in the distance.

"Not yet" I respond.

"Why not?" he asks, and he sounds so… angry.

"I just haven't yet."

"I'll go get it" he says getting up and running to the front of the house where I set my things down earlier.

He returns quickly and resumes his position sitting next to me on the bathroom floor.

I unbutton my blouse far enough so that he can easily tend to the burn, but not so far that my breasts are exposed.

He very gently, very slowly starts to move towards my chest with his index finger where, wet with the ointment. When he finally touches me, I wince and jerk away. It feels so cold, it stings. "Shh" he says as he strokes my arm with his other hand. "It's going to hurt more for a minute Ana, but then it will feel better. Just trust me okay?"

"Okay" I answer as I move back towards him.

I sit still while he finishes. I grit my teeth and clench my fists tightly, but after it's over, it does actually start to feel better.

"Thanks" I say.

"You're bath's going to run cold" he says looking into my eyes.

"Okay" I respond standing up. "I'm ready."

"Do you want me to stay?" he asks, his eyes needy.

"No" I reply quickly looking at the floor.

"Don't do that Anastasia" he scolds as he moves my face back towards him. "Don't apologize, you need to be honest with me about how you feel."

"I just- I just don't think I'm ready for you to see me again."

"See you?" he asks confused.

"You know _see_ me."

"You don't want me to look at you?" he says in a hurt tone.

"Not yet, not like this…"

"Why not?" he asks softly.

"I just feel so uncomfortable."

"I'll leave" he says softly as he moves towards me and kisses my forehead. "But you are my beautiful, sweet, perfect Ana. Remember that okay? Don't feel bad about yourself. Don't ever feel bad about yourself."

"Thank you" I respond softly as he walks away. Once he closes the door I feel so… weird. I didn't want him to stay, but I guess I didn't want him to go either. I begin to undress and stare at myself in the mirror. "Jeez" I gasp as I take a full inventory of all the bruises. I have them everywhere. I'm suddenly very happy I asked Christian to leave. He'd be furious to see this. "How's this for beautiful, and perfect?" I say to myself bitterly. I look down at my legs and see a particularly dark bruise. I remember him giving me that bruise. That's where he pinned me down. I can't stand it anymore. I can't look at myself, I quickly get into the tub and slip into the water.

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	6. Chapter 6

_It's peaceful outside at night. The air is cold against my skin, and there is a beautiful quietness surrounding me. I miss this, being alone with my thoughts. I appreciate Christian's overbearing need to protect me, and I know he'll be furious when he knows I snuck out ,but God sometimes I feel like I'm going to suffocate in that house. I decide I'll walk to the park. There's a lovely green bench there where I like to sit with Phoebe while Theodore plays .It'll be the perfect spot to clear my head. Suddenly I hear a noise, it spooks me for a second, but I quickly scold myself for startling so easily. I continue walking, but I have this strange feeling like I'm being followed. "It's probably somebody Christian sent" I think to myself. "Gosh, how did he figure out where I was?" I quicken my pace, as I begin to hear footsteps behind me. They pick up their pace too. I turn around to see who it is. Holy crap, I don't know that guy, and he's following me, he's definitely following me. I begin to run, but he's running too. What's happening? I'm being chased by some stranger. What the hell? How is this happening? He's faster than me and he's catching up quickly. Oh my God, he's going to catch me. What is he going to do to me? I try to scream for help, but before I know what is happening he's pushing me to the ground. Oh God, is this real? Is this really happening? How can this be happening? "Please" I beg. "Please don't kill me, I have two kids. A boy and a girl, they're just babies. They need me. And I have a husband…"_

_"Shut up bitch" he screams as he smacks me across the face. I can feel the blood trickle down my chin and I notice he is pulling at my clothes. _

_"Help!" I scream as loud as I can. "Somebody help-" but before I can finish he's pushing his hand into my face. It reeks of nicotine and booze. It makes me want to puke. Everything about this man makes me want to puke- his smell, his touch._

_"I told you to shut up" he hisses. Oh God, what is he going to do to me? I have to get away from him. I need to get away from him. "What would Ray tell me to do if he were here right now?" I think to myself. "What would he tell me to do to protect myself?" I think for a moment and then bite his hand as hard as I can. He jerks back for a second. I scramble to try to get away from him, but he's back on top of me in a flash. "That was a very stupid thing to do sweetheart" he says as he pins me down with his legs, pulls a cigarette out of his pocket, and lights it up. "You're going to pay for that."_

_And oh my God it hurts so much as it presses into my flesh. "Ahhh" I scream as I try to move away from it to get some relief, but he just continues to press it against me- harder. "Please!" I scream. "Please stop it, no!"_

_"Ana" I hear softly. What? That sounds like Christian. Is Christian here? "Ana" he says again. "Wake up sweetheart. It's just a dream, you're having a dream. You're safe know, it's all over. Remember? It's all over now."_

I startle awake and I'm in my room with Christian- safe. He's cradling me in his arms and is he…. Crying?

"Oh Ana" he says softly. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry this happened to you baby."

"Gosh" I say as I try to catch my breath. "That dream was so realistic, it was just like what happened earlier."

"You were talking in your sleep" he says as he holds me tighter, continuing to rock me, and I think he's doing it to comfort himself more than me. "I heard what you said to him. What you said about me and the kids, I heard you screaming. Oh God, Ana, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry baby."

"Why didn't you wake me up sooner?" I ask.

"I was trying, I was trying the whole time. Seeing you like that was torture to me Ana."

"I woke up before he actually…. I'm glad I woke up when I did."

"You woke up while he was burning you, I could tell, the way you were screaming and trying to get away. It was more urgent, and frantic, I could tell you were in pain."

"I was" I respond as my voice starts to break.

"Are you still in pain?"

"A little, the cream they gave me at the hospital helps."

"Yeah?" he asks hopefully looking down at me. "Have you been taking anything?"

"I took a couple Advil before bed."

"Good girl" he responds.

"My head still kind of hurts" I admit.

"We'll have to get that looked at."

"I don't think I need to- it's probably normal. I hit it pretty hard when he..."

"You could have a concussion" he interrupts sternly. "We're going to have it looked at. It isn't up for debate."

"Fine" I respond as I pull away from him and sit up. "What time is it?"

"It's 9:00 AM" he responds sitting up next to me and rubbing my back.

"I should go check on the kids" I say as I move to get out of bed.

"There's no need" he responds.

"What do you mean?" I ask confused.

"I called my mother about an hour ago. She's taking them to the zoo for the day."

"That'll be nice for them" I say, thinking out loud. "It's probably for the best, it might scare them to see me like this…"

"You're their mother" he replies softly. "You could never scare them."

"Yeah" I say to myself softly as tears ran start to run down my face.

"You have an appointment with Flynn in two hours, after that I'll take you back to the hospital so they can look at your head. Do you want me to make you breakfast?"

"Wait… Christian, I don't know if I'm ready to talk about everything yet" I answer nervously.

"Flynn won't push you, you know that."

"Yeah, but…"

"Ana, it'll be okay. I trust Flynn and I know you do to" he says gazing into my eyes.

"I do, but Christian…"

"Ana, he's going to help you. And I'm going to help you. Please let us, let us both help you."

"Okay" I respond defeated. Christian needs this. He needs to feel like he's making it better for me. After all, maybe talking to Flynn will help. What could it hurt?

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	7. Chapter 7

"I made you eggs" Christian says as he carries them over to the bed.

"I'm not that hungry" I say, still feeling sick inside.

"You need to eat Ana" he says back harshly. Here we go again, of all the disagreements we've had this is the topic that has definitely come up the most. "Seeing you suffer like this is bad enough. I don't want to have to worry about you being hungry…"

"Stop!" I interrupt as I push the plate away. "I'm not hungry. I'm not going to be hungry; if you make me eat I'll throw up. Is that what you want? You want me to throw up? Because I kind of feel like throwing up in the first place so it shouldn't be that hard to-"

"Ana" Christian interrupts. "You need your strength."

"Eggs aren't going to make anything better!" I snap as I get out of bed quickly, but as I do I slip and fall onto the cold, hard, floor. I scream in pain as I land on my stomach, where a particularly large bruise has already formed.

"Ana" Christian says frantically as he scoops me into his arms and pulls me up from the floor. "Are you okay? Where does it hurt, baby?"

"I'm fine" I choke out through sobs, struggling to breathe.

"Don't do this" he whispers into my hair. "Don't push me away. You need me, and I need you."

"I'm not pushing you away. I just don't want eggs" I say back shakily.

"Screw the fucking eggs Ana" he says back harshly as he guides my face back towards him. "Talk to me, please…"

"About what?" I ask avoiding eye contact.

"What are you thinking about right now?"

"Nothing, I'm not thinking anything I'm just-"

"Just what?"

"I'm just feeling?"

"Feeling what?"

"I don't know. Scared, sad, broken, dirty…"

"You don't need to-" he says soothingly as he rubs my back.

"Don't need to what?" I ask shakily.

"You don't need to feel any of those things. You don't need to feel scared because I'm never going to let anything like this happen to you again. You don't need to feel sad because you have me- always. Me and the kids, you'll always have us. You don't need to feel broken because you're not. You're strong Mrs. Grey, you're the strongest person I've ever met. You're going to make it through this. And you most certainly don't have to feel dirty. You didn't do anything wrong Ana. This doesn't change anything about you, who you are, or what you are. You are still my perfect, beguilingly innocent Ana. This doesn't change anything."

"Christian, it changes everything!" I say frustrated that he doesn't seem to understand how huge this is. But as I look into his eyes I see the fear. And I realize that he isn't saying all this to reassure me, he's saying it to reassure himself. Suddenly I understand how he was feeling a moment ago. What is he feeling? What is he thinking? "Hey" I say softly. "Now it's your turn."

"What?" he asks softly.

"How are you feeling?"

"This isn't about me."

"Christian, please" I beg.

"I already told you how I feel" he says evenly. "At the hospital."

"You said you were 'really freaking pissed off "' I say recalling the conversation. "Your feelings don't go deeper than that?"

"What do you think?" he says back as he rubs my arm. "Ana, I'm devastated."

"Are you scared?" I ask softly.

"No, I'd like to see that bastard try to hurt you again. I'd kill him."

"Christian, I don't mean like that. Are you scared about the future, what this means for us?"

"Yes" he replies honestly. "I'm trying to tell myself that you just need time, and that you'll heal, but…"

"But what?"

"You won't let me look at you. You won't even let me look at your body. That absolutely scares the shit out of me."

"Hey" I say softly. "That has nothing to do with you-"

"Are you sure about that?" he replies insecurely.

"Christian- of course."

"It makes me feel like you don't trust me."

"That isn't it. Christian, I can't even look at myself right now."

"I hate that, you know?" he interrupts. "I hate that you're that torn up inside. I hate that that son of a bitch did that to you. That he made you feel this way. Like your anything less than the amazing, perfect woman you are."

"I never felt like I was perfect" I say chocking back a sob. "I just wish I didn't feel this awful inside. I wish that for a minute this dark cloud would go away…"

"It will baby" he says softly. "It will."

"I'm not ready" I say shakily. "I'm not ready for you to see me naked. I don't think I will be for a long time. But…"

"But what?" he asks softly as he caresses my face.

"If you want, I'll show you."

"Show me what?"

"Some of the bruises."

"Oh" he gasps looking down. "I mean, do you think that will help you?"

"I don't think it will hurt. I just don't know what you want, if you want to see, or if you think that will upset you…"

"I want to" he interrupts as if he was making the decision as the words flew out of his mouth.

"Okay" I say shakily as I stand up and pull by nightgown up so that my thighs, where the worst of the bruises have formed, are exposed.

"Fuck" he gasps. "Fuck" he repeats his voice growing louder and more enraged. I release the material and let it fall, covering me again, but before the fabric is even done making its journey down my legs Christian has me in his arms. And he's sobbing. Sobbing. I've never see him like this. Shit. What have I done? What's happening to him?

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	8. Chapter 8

"Christian" I say softly as I stroke his hair.

"I'm-going-to-kill-him. I-swear…" he mutters as sobs continue to rock his body.

"It's okay" I say unsure of how else to comfort him.

"It's not okay Anastasia, it's not okay. God, look at what he did to you!"

"I know…"

"I can't believe this happened. I can't believe I let this happen!"

"Don't blame yourself" I say. "Christian, this wasn't your fault."

"You're my wife. It's my job to keep you safe."

"Christian, it's impossible to-"

"No it isn't. It isn't impossible to keep you safe Ana. I can't believe that. Do you know what it would do to me to think that? To think that this might happen to you again, or that something worse might happen to you…"

"You can't go through life constantly fearing the worst."

"And you can't go through life completely disregarding your own personal safety and the way your family would feel if something happened to you!" he bites back harshly.

"Why are you so angry all of the sudden?" I ask shakily as I back away from him.

"Why did you leave?" he yells. Shit, I thought we got past this already.

"Christian I just went for a walk!"

"Why?"

"I don't know. I had a rough day. Phoebe's been sick. I just wanted to clear my head…"

"God Anastasia, why didn't you tell me you were leaving?!"

"Because I knew you wouldn't have let me go."

"You're damn right I wouldn't have. Do you know how fucking stupid it is for a woman to walk outside, alone, at night?"

"I get it!" I bite back.

"Apparently you don't!" he hisses angrily.

"God Christian, why are you doing this now? Don't you think I've been punished enough!?"

"It isn't about punishing you Ana, it's about getting it through your thick skull that you have to be more careful with yourself! That you can't let something like this happen again!"

"You think I _let_ this happen!?"

"I think that if you hadn't decided to sneak out you would have been safe, in bed, with me instead of out on the street, alone being attacked."

God, those words sting. I know what he's saying is true, but why is he rubbing it in my face? Why is he being so cruel? "Yep, I get it." I reply sharply. "Ana's stupid. Ana got what she deserved…"

"Damn it Ana! I don't think you deserved this! I don't think you deserved this!" he yells as he breaks down again and buries his head in my shoulder.

"Please don't do this" I beg. "Please don't blame me for this."

"I don't" he says. "Ana, this wasn't your fault."

"But you're still pissed at me?"

"I can't help it. I'm pissed at everyone. You, myself, him. Mostly him. I want to kill him. I could have lost you. That thought makes me…"

"You didn't lose me."

"You need to let me protect you. Please let me protect you. Please don't leave like that, ever again" he begs in a desperate tone as he gazes into my eyes. And God, the look in his eyes hurts to see. He looks so scared, so lost in pain.

"I won't" I say as I hold him closer. "God I never would have if I knew…"

"I know. I know you wouldn't have Ana."

"I'm sorry" I say breaking down.

"Don't be sorry" he repeats soothingly. "Just don't ever leave me like that again, and I'll keep you safe. I promise."

"You know" I say trying to lighten the mood. "I am starting to get my appetite back a little bit. I could try to eat-"

"Come on" he says guiding me to the kitchen. "You can have whatever you want."

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"We should leave for your appointment with Flynn soon" Christian says as he cleans our places at the table and places a light kiss on the back of my head.

"I'm still not sure about this" I reply staring at the floor.

"Ana, Flynn's the best. I wouldn't push this if I didn't think it was what you needed."

"Did you tell him?"

"I said we needed to meet with him, I told him it was an emergency. I didn't go into any details."

"You said you talked to your mother earlier, did you tell her?"

"Of course not. I wouldn't do that to you Ana. You should be the one to decide who knows, I'd never take that decision away from you."

"It's not that I don't want her to know. It's just I don't think I'm ready to talk about it with everybody."

"Well for right now, the only people you need to talk to are me and Flynn."

"Are you going to be there?"

"I'll be there the whole time. But I'm not sure if Flynn will want to speak to you alone at all…"

"He probably will" I say taking a deep breath.

"Does that make you uncomfortable?"

"I guess. I mean, I don't know what I'll say."

"Just be honest" he replies reassuringly.

"It's just really uncomfortable to talk about" I say, and my voice breaks unexpectedly.

He resumes his seat next to me at the table and pulls me into his arms so that I'm leaning against him.

"Anastasia" he whispers into my ear. "You don't have to feel uncomfortable baby, you didn't do anything wrong. The only one who should feel uncomfortable is the sick fucker that did this to you."

I lean into his chest, and it's the most comfortable I've been since this whole thing happened.

"When do you think I'll feel better?" I ask in a whisper.

"I'm not sure baby, but I do know that you will feel better. One day this will just be a very bad memory."

"I know we have to leave soon, but can we just stay like this for a minute. Please." I say as I lean into him further.

"Of course" he says wrapping his arms around me tightly.

"I love you" I say the words spilling out of my mouth naturally as I feel completely safe in his arms, completely loved, completely cherished and in this moment I really do believe that everything will be okay.

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	9. Chapter 9

"I can explain the situation to Flynn before we go in" Christian says to me softly as he walks me through the door.

"Yeah" I answer. "That would help."

"Okay" he answers as we take our seats in the waiting area.

I bounce my knees nervously and he steadies them with his hand. "It's okay Ana" he says softly. "You're safe here; we just want to help you."

"I know" I respond. "I know that- it's just."

"Mr. and Mrs. Grey?" the receptionist interrupts "he's ready for you."

I take a deep breath and a nauseous feeling overtakes me.

"I'll go in first and talk to him, explain what happened. Then I'll come get you, okay baby?"

"Okay" I answer in the steadiest voice I can manage. He kisses my head and then goes into Flynn's office. It feels like he's in there forever. When he finally comes out Flynn is with them, and they're both staring at me.

"Hi" I say nervously.

"Hello Ana" Flynn responds. "Why don't you come in now?"

"Okay" I say as I stand up. Christian walks over to meet me and links his arm over my shoulder protectively as we walk in.

"I will want to speak with you privately at some point, but Christian tells me that you're quite nervous" Flynn says as we all take our seats. "For now do you feel like you'd be more comfortable with him here?"

"I guess so" I reply looking down at the floor. Christian grabs my hand.

"Okay, Ana why don't you tell me what happened?"

"Didn't Christian tell you?"

"Christian told me you were sexually assaulted, which I'm very sorry to hear by the way. Do you want to give me any more details about what happened?"

"Okay" I say shakily avoiding eye contact with both of them. "I went for a walk. I was alone. I noticed this man was following me, and then I realized that I didn't recognize him. I started to run and he started chasing me and when he caught me he threw me on the ground" a catch in my throat causes me to pause for a moment. I feel Christian squeeze my hand and I look up to glance at him. It hurts to see his face. I see the raw emotion etched all over it. It looks like he's in so much pain.

"It's okay baby" he says softly. "We can stop for a minute if she needs to, right Flynn?"

"Of course. Ana, take all the time you need."

"I'm okay" I reply clearing my throat. "Um, I screamed, and he covered my mouth with his hand. I bit him, and tried to get away, but I guess I wasn't fast enough. I really tried to get away though, I really did."

"Now why do you say that?" Flynn asks arching his brow.

"Say what?" I respond confused.

"Why are you reassuring us that you tried to get away? Are you afraid we won't believe you?"

"I guess…"

"Ana" Christian says softly. "Of course we believe you. Why would you think that?"

"It's a typical reaction" Flynn explains looking at both of us. "Guilt. It doesn't mean it's justified though."

"Of course it isn't" Christian says gazing at me. "Baby, don't feel guilty. Not about this."

"I should have been able to fight him off" I say as I feel tears run down my cheeks. Damn, Flynn's good. I've been doing my best to keep these thoughts to myself, to keep these emotions from bubbling to the surface around Christian, now I'm not even in his office five minutes, and all of my defenses are down. Shit.

"Oh" Flynn responds. "And why's that Ana?"

"My stepfather, he taught me a lot of self-defense, and I've taken some classes."

"So, how do you feel about that?"

"I guess I'm sort of mad at myself" I respond, struggling to find words to describe my emotions. "I just always thought that if… I always thought I'd be able to stop someone if they tried to…"

"No" Christian interrupts angrily. "No, Ana, no! Don't do that to yourself. You tried the best you could…"

"Yeah" I interrupt "and that wasn't good enough."

"You used to feel fairly confident in your ability to fight off an attacker?" Flynn asks softly.

"Yeah, I did."

"And that lead to a sense of empowerment."

"I suppose so."

"Now do you feel you've lost that?"

"I guess I do" I answer quietly.

"That must be pretty painful."

"Yeah, yeah it is."

"What do you think we could do to give that back to you Ana, what do you think will make you feel in control again?"

"I'm not sure."

"Okay, well that's one thing we'll work on together. For right now, are there any more details you want to share with me?"

"Not really" I respond staring at the floor. "But I can, if you want me too."

"You are in control here Ana, we don't have to do anything that you don't want to do."

"I really don't want to talk about when he –"

"That's fine. That doesn't even matter to me so much Ana. What matters is now. How you feel now, and how we can help you feel better. I'm sure you must be feeling quite a lot right now, are there any thoughts or feelings in particular that you'd like to share with me or with Christian."

"Um" I say thinking. "I'm not really sure…"

"Do you have any questions or concerns?"

"I guess I do" I respond nervously.

"Okay, why don't you share with us?"

"It's just- I've been too nervous to bring it up before now. Maybe this isn't the place…"

"You can say anything you want to here" Christian says reassuringly. "It's okay Ana, I trust Flynn. If it makes you more comfortable to talk to me here, that's fine. Just tell me what's going on baby."

"Okay" I say taking a deep breath. "I'm worried that after this, you won't want to have sex with me again."

"What?" Christian responds. He seems so shocked and hurt. Shit, what have I done?

"Now, Ana, what makes you feel this way?"

"I don't know. Before this, he was the only one I ever had sex with-"

"I'm still the only one you've had sex with" Christian interrupts angrily. "You were raped Ana, rape isn't sex."

"How does it make you feel when Christian says that?" Flynn asks me, and I have no idea what to say. Rape isn't sex? I mean he's right in a way, but he's wrong in a way. I have no idea what to say.

"I just feel- I don't know-."

"How do you feel?" Christian asks urgently.

"I feel like damaged goods or something" I blurt out.

"Damaged goods?" he asks and the look on his face is one of pure devastation.

"Now Ana," Flynn interjects. "What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know" I say shakily as I try to get up. "I, um, I have to go to the bathroom-"

"Ana, don't leave" Christian pleads.

I don't want to leave him, but I feel like the room is spinning. This is just too intense, I need a break. But as I stand up I feel even dizzier. I feel sick. Something isn't right. Oh no, am I going to faint? Not here not now. Everything goes black.

The next thing I know I'm on the floor in Christian's arms. "Ana!" I hear him yelling. "Ana, baby, talk to me."

But I can't talk. I can't move. Oh God, what's happening?

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	10. Chapter 10

"Ana, Ana!"

"Christian?" I respond weakly finally regaining consciousness.

"Oh, thank God" he gasps as he helps me sit up.

"Ana, would you like some water?" Flynn asks.

"Okay" I respond as I try to stand to my feet.

"Wow" Christian responds holding me back. "Are you sure you're ready to stand up?"

"I'm fine" I answer as I try again to stand, but this time I fall over.

"Ana" Christian gasps as he catches me. "God, you're stubborn. You need to sit still. Flynn, call 911!"

"I don't need to go to the hospital" I insist. "Christian, I just passed out, I'm fine."

"Ana, you were attacked last night. You hit your head and you lost blood. There could be something wrong; we need to get you checked out."

"I would feel better if you got checked out too Ana" Flynn adds. "I'll go have my receptionist call you an ambulance now."

"Okay" I shrug. God, this is awful! I don't want to go back there. The last thing I want is to go back there and have a bunch of doctors look at me and touch me…

"Ana" Christian says softly interrupting my thoughts. "It's okay, you're going to be fine baby."

"I know" I respond.

He holds me tightly and buries his head in my hair.

"Don't ever call yourself damaged goods" he cries. "You're my Ana, you're perfect, I love you. We're going to get through this baby."

"I know" I answer rubbing his arm. I can't fight the urge to comfort him. I know the appointment was making him upset, and when I passed out- he must have been so scared. I wish I could make this better for him. I wish I could make this go away.

"The ambulance is on its way" Flynn says running in with a glass of water. "Ana, would you like me and Christian to try to help you move back over to the couch?"

"I don't need help" I say as I try to stand on my own.

"Anastasia" Christian says sternly, glaring at me.

"Fine" I respond as Flynn and Christian each take one of my arms and guide me so I'm standing.

"Why do you think I fainted?" I ask as they guide me to the couch.

"The doctors will be able to tell us" Christian replies.

"It's good that you're getting checked out, but my guess would be that you just had a physical reaction to what we were talking about. What you have been through is quite traumatic Ana."

"So you're saying that she passed out because she's so upset?" Christian asks angrily.

"Christian, that's a good thing- it means nothing's wrong with me."

"Yeah" he retorts. "It's a great thing that you're fainting because you're so torn up inside about what that fucking bastard…"

"Christian" Flynn interrupts. "Why don't we keep things calm for Ana's sake."

"I'm okay" I protest. "Really, I am."

"God baby," Christian says taking the seat next to me. "You're white as a sheet."

"I am?" I ask as I clear my throat.

"Do you have any more symptoms?" Flynn asks.

Symptoms? "Um, I feel kind of hot."

"Why don't we take your sweater off" Christian says as he guides it down my arms.

Oh God, my arms. My arms are covered in bruises- covered in marks that his hands left behind,_ his_ hands. "Christian, no!" I yell as I yank it back up.

Oh God, he looks so hurt. I didn't mean to snap at him.

"I- I'm sorry" he replies.

"What's going on Ana?" Flynn asks. "Are you upset that Christian touched you."

"No" I reply quickly. "No, it's not that. I just didn't-"

"Just didn't what?" Flynn prods further.

"I just didn't want my arms to show!"

"You have bruises?" Flynn asks softly.

"Yeah."

"And that makes you feel uncomfortable."

"Yeah" I answer as I sniffle and fight tears.

"What do you think we could do to make you feel better about that?"

"I don't know. I guess I just have to wait until they heal."

"Really? You don't think there's anything we can do in the meantime."

"No, they aren't going to go away, and they're ugly, and they remind me of where he put his hands- I hate them!" I say as I start to breakdown.

I look over at Christian and he's crying. Great, I'm making him cry…again.

"Ana, that must be difficult for you" Flynn says sympathetically. "It must make you feel uncomfortable with your own body."

"Yeah" I answer. "It does."

"Maybe, there's something we can do about that. Do you think makeup might make you feel better?"

"Makeup?"

"You could use it to cover the bruises on your arms, or anywhere else you wanted to. That might make you feel like you have so more control over the issue.

I nod and place my hand on Christian's arm, but before I have the chance to say anything the paramedics burst through the door.

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	11. Chapter 11

The ambulance ride is mostly filled with silence. I really think an ambulance is overkill- I just fainted. But, crazy, over protective Christian Grey now actually has a reason to be overprotective. And God, I know he's going to milk it for all it's worth.

"Baby" he says interrupting my thoughts as he takes my hand in his. "How are you feeling?"

"I feel fine" I say reassuringly.

"Does your head still hurt?"

"A little" I reply.

"They'll probably give you something for that in the ER" the paramedic chimes in.

I nod, and goodness, I feel dizzy again.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Christian asks as he grabs my hand tighter.

"Yes I'm-" Before I can get the rest of the sentence out I start to feel groggy again.

"Ana?" he says urgently as he guides my face towards him.

"Mam?" the paramedic asks. And then, once again- everything goes black.

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I wake up and I'm in the hospital. God, I hate this place. It reeks of antiseptic, and it brings back such vivid memories of last night. When I first arrived in bloodied and ripped clothes, alone, and had to explain to the receptionist at the front desk what had happened to me. When they made Christian leave the room so they could exam me.

"Ana" Christian calls out when he notices I have woken up. "Hey, baby."

"Hey" I answer weakly. "What happened?"

"You passed out again in the ambulance."

"I did?"

"Yes."

"Did they figure out what's wrong with me?"

"You're dehydrated, and you have a mild concussion."

"I do?"

"Yes, they said their isn't much that they can do for it; that you should keep taking over-the-counter pain relievers."

"Okay, sounds like a plan. Can we leave?"

"No Anastasia, they're giving you fluids intravenously, didn't you hear me? You're dehydrated."

"Oh, right. Are you pissed off about that?"

"A little, you need to take better care of yourself. But, I should have been paying better attention; I know you've been distracted…"

"So now instead of hounding me about eating, you're going to hound me about eating and drinking?" I ask teasing him slightly.

"If it stops you from scaring me like you did today, you're damn right I am!" he snaps back.

"I'm sorry" I say as I rub his arm.

"God Ana, how many times this week are you going to make me fear for your life?"

"I'm not doing it on purpose" I say sheepishly.

"I know" he responds sounding angry with himself. "It's just- God, I was so scared."

"I'm okay" I reassure him as I take his hand in mine.

"Yeah, but are you?" he answers in a huff.

"That's what the doctor said, right?"

"Fuck what the doctor said Anastasia, look at you!" he screams. Shit, he's mad again.

"Christian-"

"Ana, do you have any idea what it does to me to see you like this?"

"Christian- I'm sorry."

"Damn it Ana, don't be sorry!"

"Well then what do you want from me!"

"I want you to get better! I want you to be okay again, I need you to be okay again. Every time I look at your face I see that look in your eyes and it kills me. Because I know that look Ana, it's one I had for a long time, and it's one you don't deserve."

"What look?" I ask barely above a whisper.

"Shame, Anastasia. I can tell you're ashamed, and you shouldn't be. Not about this. Not ever. It kills me to look at you like this."

"It kills me to feel this way Christian" I reply sympathetically. "But I can't help it, it's just how I feel."

"I know baby" he says his tone softened significantly as he takes my hand in his.

"I just wish there was something I could do to fix this."

"You can't fix this" I reply softly. "But you're helping."

"Really?" he asks.

"Of course, without you, I don't even want to think about how I'd be right now."

"It's not true you know" he says swiftly changing the subject.

"What's not true?" I ask confused.

"What you said, about sex."

"Oh" I answer looking down.

"Don't do that" he says as he lifts my chin up so I'm looking at him. "Anastasia, don't hang your head. I'm your husband."

"I'm just not sure when I'll be ready to…"

"I know. That's fine, baby. But the moment you are ready, I will be too. There will never come a day when I don't want you Anastasia, this doesn't change anything about that okay? Not at all. I love you baby" he says reassuringly. I move closer to him so he can reach out to me, and he strokes my arm gently.

"Have I ever told you how beautiful your skin is" he says softly.

Gosh this feels odd; I usually love it when Christian complements me like this. But now, I feel so uncomfortable, I just can't shake the feeling that he's lying to me.

"Thank you" I respond dryly.

"Thank you?" he asks as if I've just given the most unacceptable response to what he has said possible.

"I'm sorry" I say looking away.

He takes a deep breath. "Don't be sorry Anastasia" he says softly. "And you're welcome."

Poor fifty, he wants so desperately for things to be like they were before. I want that too, but I don't know if I can give it to him.

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"Christian" I complain as he carries me to the bed. "I can walk."

"I don't want you fainting again Anastasia" he says as he places me gently onto the bed. "If you need anything, call for me. There's a phone call I have to take in the other room."

"Oh yeah?" I respond warily. "And what is the nature of this phone call?"

"It's business" he responds coldly.

"Business with a P.I.?"

"Yes. I want to check the progress he's making."

"Let me know" I say looking away.

"Does that mean you've changed your mind?" he asks his brow lifting.

"About you killing somebody? No, I have definitely not changed my mind about that. I'd just like to know what's going on."

"Okay" he says as he kisses the top of my head. "I will keep you in the loop."

"Thank you" I respond as I watch him leave the bedroom. I roll over in bed and try to get some sleep.

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"Anastasia" I hear Christian say softly as he nudges my arm. "Baby, wake up."

"Yes?" I say sleepily as I open my eyes to gaze at him.

"The P.I. is coming over baby, there's some questions he needs to ask you."

"Questions?"

"Don't worry, he doesn't need to ask you anything graphic. He has some pictures of some possible suspects."

"Really?" I ask shocked. "How did he pull that off."

"This is just the first step, he's printed images of every male registered sex offender within a fifty mile radius of where you were attacked."

"Oh" I respond. "Okay."

"He'll be here in fifteen minutes."

Well, this should be… interesting. What if I see the guy? What will that do to me? I don't want to be, but… I'm terrified of him. And I'm terrified of what Christian is going to do. I'm not going to very well send him off in the direction of the man who did this so he can kill him. Shit, what am I going to do?

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	12. Chapter 12

"What's this?" I ask as Christian walks towards me carrying a tray with a pitcher, and two large glasses.

"Water, Anastasia."

"Christian, it's the middle of the night" I plead, sounding much whinier than I mean to.

"Yes, and you were just hospitalized for dehydration. Drink!"

"Fine" I say softly as he pours me a glass. "Can I least have some red wine?" I ask batting my eyelashes playfully.

"Anastasia" he says sternly "I really don't think it is a good idea for you to drink right now."

"Right" I sigh.

"My mother called."

"She did?" I ask "did she say how the kids are?"

"They are fine. Theodore is very excited to have his first sleepover. Even though it is with Grace and Carrick."

"Good" I say smiling slightly. "I can't wait to see them tomorrow."

"I'm sure they'll be excited to see you too."

"How are we going to explain this?" I say gesturing at the bruises on my arms and face.

"I can talk to Teddy" he says softly as he scoots closer to me and begins to rub my back. "I'll tell him that you got hurt, and that you have some boo-boos so me and him are going to have to work extra hard to make you happy."

"Really?" I ask as I lean into him. "Is that what you're doing now?"

"I hope so" he says as he kisses my head.

We are interrupted by the sound of knocking. Christian helps me to my feet and I follow him to the front door.

The man standing in the doorway looks so serious. He is wearing a black suit. He shakes hands with Christian and then greets me.

"Mrs. Grey, pleasure to meet you."

"Thank you" I answer softly as we all journey to the kitchen table.

"I'm going to show you some pictures Mrs. Grey, please tell us if you think any of these men might be the one who attacked you."

"Okay" I answer taking a deep breath.

He shows me the first picture and I shake my head. That isn't him. He wasn't the one who hurt me, but he did hurt someone else if his picture is in this pile with all the other scumbags. I cringe.

"Baby, are you sure that isn't him?" Christian asks as he puts his hand on my arm.

"Yeah" I say as I look him in the eye. "That isn't him."

As I look through the pile of pictures I grow sicker and sicker. Each of these men had a victim- someone like me. Only, not all of them were like me. God, some of them were children. The thought makes me furious. Suddenly I pause.

Oh God, that's him. That one's him. I look at his eyes and I seriously feel like I'm going to throw up. He's the one, he's the one who wouldn't let me go even though I begged him to, the one who burned me, the one who forced me to…. What do I do?

"Baby, baby!" I hear Christian yelling, and I suddenly notice that my face is in his hands. "Baby, what's wrong?"

"Umm"

"That's him, isn't it?"

"No" I lie looking down.

"Anastasia!" Christian begs. "Baby, please tell me the truth. That's him, isn't it?"

"Yeah" I admit quietly as I start to cry.

Christian picks up the picture and scowls at the man's face angrily as his hand forms a tight fist. Then he hands it back to the PI.

"I want you to find out everything you can about this man, I want results in the next few hours."

"Certainly" the PI replies as he gets up and reaches out to shake Christian's hand once again.

Christian stands up and obliges, but quickly returns to his position sitting next to me at the table.

"Don't cry baby" he says softly.

"Christian, please" I beg. "Don't do anything stupid."

"It's going to be okay baby" he says as he rubs circles on my back.

"Christian! Tell me you aren't going to kill him!" I demand.

"Ana" he says softly. "I'm going to be very careful about the way I do this…"

"Christian!" I yell. "You'll be risking everything! Your life with me and the kids… Don't do this, don't let this guy take you away from me! He's taken enough away from me!" I start to sob, and I can't stop. Shit.

Christian pulls me into his lap.

"Hush" he says softly. "I'm not going anywhere Anastasia."

"Christian" I beg once again. "Please, please don't do this. For me, can you not do this for me?"

Christian sighs. "Okay baby" he says softly. "I won't kill him."

"Thank you" I sigh. "Oh Christian, thank you! I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

"You're not going to lose me" he repeats soothingly. "You know" he adds "that was the first time you've kissed me since…"

"Oh" I respond. "I guess it was."

"I love kissing you Anastasia" he adds with a sigh.

"I love kissing you too" I say as I lean into his neck.

"Let's go back to bed" he says as he lifts me in his arms.

"That sounds perfect" I respond softly.

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I awake and roll over, but Christian isn't here.

I stand to my feet and walk down the stairs to the kitchen.

"Christian, Christian!" I continue to call out but there's no answer.

I look down on the kitchen table. Christian's cell phone, he left it behind. I look at his text messages. The last one was from the PI. Suddenly, I get a very unsettling thought. Oh God. Oh God, no. I run to upstairs to the lock box in the closet where Christian keeps his gun. I put in the combination and open it. Shit, the gun is gone. And Christian's gone. And the PI had information on the man who did this to me.

"Damn it Christian" I scream as tears begin to run down my face. "You lied to me!"

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	13. Chapter 13

Oh God so many thoughts and regrets run through my mind as I pace the bedroom nervously. I never should have let Ray talk Christian into buying that gun. He's Christian for God's sake! I shouldn't have told him who attacked me. Christian said he wouldn't kill him, but deep down inside I knew the truth. I knew he wasn't going to let this go. Damn it! I have to stop him, I can't let this happen. I can't let Christian do this. I can't lose him.

How am I going to stop him though? I don't even know where he is. He doesn't have his phone. Wherever he is, he must have been sent in that direction by the PI, I'll have to call him if I want to find out anything.

"Hello?" I ask frantically after dialing the number I found on Christian's phone.

"Hello" the man answers calmly. "Who is this?"

"Anastasia Grey" I answer, "we met last night."

"Yes, hello Mrs. Grey, how are you this morning?"

"Not so good" I answer. "I can't find my husband; I was hoping you might have some idea of where he might be."

"Oh" he says nervously. "No, I don't know I'm sorry."

"What did you tell him?" I ask as my voice starts to crack. "Did you tell him where the guy lives?"

"Mr. Grey specifically asked me not to give you any information if you called" he admits sheepishly.

What? This makes me furious. Christian must have planned this.

"Please" I beg. "He's going to do something stupid; he took a gun with him. Please! Please, tell me where he is so I can stop him."

"Mrs. Grey, I'm sorry…"

"Please" I repeat. "I've been through so much I can't lose my husband too…" I break down and start to cry.

"It's okay" he responds softly. "Oh Dear, don't cry. It's okay."

"Just please tell me where he is" I beg.

"Okay" he says finally relenting. "56 Brighton Avenue. That's the address I found for the man. That's where your husband went."

"Thank you" I sigh as I wipe tears away from my face.

"Mrs. Grey" he says sternly. "Be careful" you're going to be walking into a very dangerous situation."

"I will be" I answer. "Thank you so much" I add as I hang up the phone.

I call a cab and I run out of the house as fast as I can. I'm not sure if anyone on Christian's security team knows I left. In a way I kind of hope they have. I don't really want to face this situation alone. But I can't wait either. "Oh fifty" I think to myself. "Don't do anything stupid before I get there."

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I stand and stare at the door of the house frozen. This is it. I'm going to face this man again. Oh God, I hoped I'd never have to see him again. I've never felt like this before. I hate him. The thought of even looking at him makes my skin crawl, and my stomach turn in knots. I'd only ever admit it to myself, but a small, dark part of me actually _wants_ Christian to kill him.

But then I think of Christian. I think of our babies. I think of our lives together. I can't lose them. I'll fight for them if I have to, and right now it looks like I'm going to have to. I lift my hand to twist the doorknob and I'm interrupted by the sound of my cellphone ringing.

I retrieve it from my pocket and glance at it. It's Christian's cell, but how?

"Hello?" I answer.

"Anastasia" Christian yells. "Where the fuck are you?"

"Where are you?" I snap back.

"I'm at home."

"What? You weren't twenty minutes ago."

"I know… I'm sorry baby. I almost did something stupid, but I couldn't. I couldn't break the promise I made to you. I couldn't hurt you like that."

"Thank God" I sigh.

"Ana" he says heatedly. "Where are you!?"

"Um… at the address the PI gave me?" I admit.

"He gave you the address!?" he yells angrily.

"Yes, but I had to beg him, I know you told him not to."

"You're damn right I told him not to! Ana, are you alone?"

"Yes" I admit starting to feel nervous myself.

"Get the hell out of there!"

"Okay" I say as I turn to run away, but suddenly I feel someone pull me back.

"No!" I scream as I try to pull away.

"Ana!?" I hear Christian yell from the phone that I've dropped on the ground. "Ana, what's happening!? Baby, answer me!"

"Help" I scream before I feel a hand press into my face. Oh God, it's just like before. No, this can't be happening.

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	14. Chapter 14

"Ana!" I hear Christian yell from the phone. He sounds so desperate and terrified.

"Oh God" I think to myself. "This is really happening. This is really happening…again, only this time Christian is going to have to hear the whole thing." This is so wrong. No, I'm not going to let this happen.

"Get away from me!" I yell as I pull away quickly and begin to run down the street.

But once again, he's faster than me. He drags me by my hair closer and closer to his house. I kick and scream but my actions seem to have no effect. Oh God, if he gets me in there he can do whatever he wants to me. I can't let that happen. I have to make sure we stay out here in the open. "Help" I scream as loud as I can as I dig my fingernails into his hands.

"Help" I scream once again as he fights me to the ground. "Help he's going to-" but his hand presses against my mouth.

"Oh God" I hear Christian sob and I don't think I've ever heard him sound so…devastated. Oh God, poor Fifty.

"Hang up" I think to myself. "Don't do this to yourself."

"I thought you learned your lesson last time" the man says through gritted teeth. "Don't fight me."

He grabs my face and slams my head onto the hard concrete. I can't hold back my scream, it hurts so much.

"I'm going to blow your brains out you sick bastard!" I hear Christian yell through sobs from the phone that I'm now lying next to. "If you hurt her again, I swear to God…"

The man slams my head into the sidewalk once again and my vision starts to blur. Oh God, oh God no! I can't pass out, not now. I won't be able to fight him.

I muster all the strength I have left and quickly press my thumbs against his eyes as hard as I can.

"Fuck!" he screams as the pain causes him to fall over.

I get up and run away as fast as I can. But I'm so dizzy. I feel so hot. Oh God, no! Everything goes black…

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"You're damn lucky Anastasia" I hear Christian whisper. I can hear his voice, I can feel his hand on mine, but I can't see him. What? I'm unconscious, but where am I?

"If Taylor hadn't followed you…"

Oh. Oh God, I remember now. The man, he attacked me again. But did he…?

"He could have killed you" Christian says his voice breaking.

I hear him sob for what feels like an eternity. God this is torture, I want to comfort him but I can't talk I can't move.

"What the hell were you thinking?" he says as I fell him stroke my face. "God" he sighs. "You were trying to save me. If it weren't for me…."

No, no, no. "Christian" I think trying desperately to fight my way back to consciousness. "Do _not _blame yourself for this."

"Thank God" he sighs. "Thank God Taylor got there when he did. If he didn't… God, you're still suffering so much from the first time that bastard…"

Suddenly I'm overcome with gratitude myself. God, it almost happened again. And Christian's right, he really could have killed me.

"I just wish" he says his voice breaking once again. "I just wish he got there sooner. Then you wouldn't be…"

Wouldn't be what? Wouldn't be what? Oh God, what's wrong with me?

"Excuse me Mr. Grey" I hear an unfamiliar voice interrupt.

"Doctor" Christian responds quickly.

Doctor? So I'm in a hospital. Fuck.

"Are Ana's test results in?"

Test results?

"Yes" the doctor replies. "You're wife has suffered yet another concussion. Luckily, she didn't suffer any more serious injuries to her brain like we initially thought. But, this concussion is more severe than the first, and her brain still hasn't healed completely from the first one."

"What does that mean?" Christian asks in a small, broken voice.

"It means-" the doctor says as he takes a deep breath. "It means that your wife may take some time to wake up, but she's going to be fine."

"Thank God" Christian sighs.

"If you have any questions-"

"I let you know" Christian responds coldly. "Thank you."

I hear the doctor exit, and I feel Christian move closer to me.

"You hear that baby?" he asks softly. "You're going to be fine." He sighs. "But the son of a bitch who did this to you isn't."

Oh God, what did Taylor do?

"He's going to prison for a very long time. He's never going to touch you again."

In my head, I sigh a huge sigh of relief.

"You can't ever do anything like that again" Christian says, his voice hardening. "You really could have gotten yourself killed. The bastard, he had a fucking knife Ana. I don't know what he was going to do with it, but…

Shit. A kife? Oh God, I really could have died.

"Christian!" I hear a female voice scream. "What the hell is going on, what happened to her?"

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	15. Chapter 15

"Katherine-" Christian responds with an obvious trace of annoyance in his voice. "How did you-"

"Grace called me and said she was worried. She said that she was supposed to bring the kids to the zoo the morning before yesterday and that you keep calling and saying you need her to watch them even longer. I told her she was being paranoid, that _of course_ Ana and Christian would tell us if something was wrong! But she begged me so I said I'd check just be safe. When I got to your house Taylor told me the two of you were at the hospital. Do you have any idea how much that scared the shit out of me? I had to lie and say I was her sister so they would tell me her room number. Now I come in here and see that Ana's unconscious. So what's up Christian? Why have you been keeping this a secret for all this time!?"

Jeez, calm down Kate; he's not on trial.

"Anastasia has only been in the hospital for a few hours-"

"What the fuck happened?" Kate snaps.

"Katherine-"

"What happened!?"

Gosh, I hope Christian gives her some sort of non-answer that will get her to stop screeching like that! My head already hurts.

"Katherine, Ana was attacked."

Gosh, so much for a non-answer. I guess we're going straight for the truth.

"Attacked?" Kate asks, her voice breaking.

"She has a head injury, but she's going to be okay. However, we really should keep things calm around her, would you like to speak to me in the hall?" he asks sharply.

"No" Kate replies. "It's okay. Can I have a minute?"

"A minute?"

"Alone, with my best friend" she huffs in an annoyed tone.

"No" he replies through clenched teeth. "I'm not leaving her."

Oh crap, they're about to fight and I won't be able to referee it.

"You've had her all to yourself for long enough, don't you think?"

"Katherine" Christian says, and I can tell he's trying not to shout. "A few hours ago I thought my wife and the mother of my children was going to die; now she is lying unconscious in a hospital bed. I would like to be here while she wakes up. I'm not going anywhere."

"What happened?" Kate asks, her voice significantly softened.

"I already told you what happened" he replies in a huff.

"You said 'attacked,' what did you mean by that?"

"I think Ana should decide what details to tell you."

Thank God, if Christian told Kate what really happened while I'm lying here helpless I would be mortified. I know it's irrational, but I'm still so embarrassed…

I feel someone take my hand, and after a few moments I can tell it's Kate's.

"Hey" she says softly. "Pull through. You've got a lot of people who need you. I'm one of them. I love you" and with that she squeezes my hand and I can hear her walk out.

Oh, Kate. We haven't spent as much time together lately, and I miss her. "I love you too" I think to myself. Gosh, this is frustrating why can't I just wake up!

Christian sighs. "I honestly don't understand the appeal of that girl. But, obviously there's something because both you and Elliot seem fond of her."

I feel him move closer to me and I long to reach out to him, to touch him…

"I'm glad it was you" he whispers. "I'm glad it was you who fell into my office that day. You know, I think a small part of me fell in love with you the first time I looked at those big blue eyes. I didn't know it then" he chuckles. "But I did know that I wanted to do very naughty things to you…"

This makes me feel good and bad at the same time. I don't think Christian would be quite so bold with me yet if I wasn't unconscious. I love that my husband wants me, but the whole subject still makes me so uncomfortable. I can't stand the thought of being touched where _he_ touched me…

"Of course" he says fighting tears. "It didn't take me too long to fall for you. You're so sweet, so innocent, and so damned stubborn. That isn't always a good thing tough" he adds his voice growing rougher. "What am I going to do with you Ana? How am I going to keep you safe?"

He takes a long pause that chills me to my core, and then I feel his hand brush some hair behind my ear. "God, I'm so sorry baby. There's nothing I wouldn't do to make this better for you."

"I know" I think to myself.

"I can't believe it almost happened again. I can't believe… Things are going to change Ana."

Fuck, what does that mean?

"It isn't just you. It isn't even just you and me. Teddy and Phoebe need their mom. All I could think while I was listening to that bastard attack you was 'how am I going to tell the kids that their mommy isn't coming home?"' Christian starts to sob and I begin to wonder if I will to. Can that happen? Can an unconscious person cry?

Suddenly a dark thought enters my mind. What if Christian does have to tell the kids I'm not coming home? What if I'm not going to wake up?

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	16. Chapter 16

I slowly open my eyes. Where the hell am I? This is a hospital- a hospital? Suddenly, everything comes back to me…

Oh thank God. I'm awake, I'm okay. And Christian's okay. And the man who attacked me has been arrested.

"Christian-" I say weakly.

"Ana" he replies startling awake. "Thank God. Baby, are you okay?"

"My head hurts" I reply as I try to sit up.

"Sit still" Christian commands softly as he adjusts my blankets. "You have _another _concussion Anastasia" he adds angrily. "I'll go get the nurse-"

"No!" I interrupt. "I want to talk to you."

"We _will _talk Ana, but not now" he answers as he walks out.

Shit. He's mad at me.

"Mrs. Grey" the nurse says as she walks into the room. "It's great to see that you're awake."

"Thank you" I reply at a lost for what to say.

"We've let Dr. Stevens know you're awake. I'm going to check your vitals; she should be with you soon."

"Thank you" I repeat in the same ambivalent tone.

She takes my pulse, and my blood pressure, but the whole time I can't take my eyes off Christian. I wonder what he's thinking, how he's feeling. I've never seen him like this before. He looks cold and callous, like he's numb.

The nurse leaves and I finally have an opportunity to talk to him again.

"Hey" I say softly.

"Hey" he repeats as he takes his seat next to my bed once again. "What you did, Ana, it was so…"

"I know" I interrupt. "I was just so scared I was going to lose you."

"Do you have any idea what it did to me to hear you being attacked again by that fucker? I couldn't do anything about it! I couldn't help you! I couldn't stop him. I didn't know what he was going to do. I was so terrified that he would-"

"I know" I interrupt. "I was afraid of that too."

"God Ana, these past few days… They've been every worst nightmare I've ever had come to life. All of my deepest, darkest fears have been realized. I almost lost you."

"You didn't lose me" I reply stroking his arm.

"Ana, you can never do anything like that again" he says through gritted teeth.

"I know" I reply. "I'm sorry."

"Are you?" he hisses.

"Yes!"

"Because I don't think you understand Ana. If you actually… If you died the kids would have no one."

"They'd have you" I argue.

"No, no they wouldn't. Because if I lost you. I would die. It would _kill_ me to lose you Anastasia. It would literally kill me. I'm surprised that all of this hasn't already. I feel about thirty years older."

I nod sympathetically.

He sighs as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. "I'm so sorry."

God, he's all over the place. One minute he's scolding me the next he's apologizing.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Christian" I say reassuringly.

"If I hadn't…"

"Don't go there."

"You must have been so scared, you must have thought it'd be like last time…"

"I don't really want to think about it" I respond as I shift uncomfortably.

I see him looking down, and I realize he's staring at the burn mark on my chest. God, he's obsessed with that thing.

"It doesn't really hurt that much anymore" I say as I clear my throat.

"Don't lie to me Ana" he scolds. "I know how it feels" he adds as he touches his own chest.

"I would have done anything I could have to protect you from this."

"I know" I answer. "Christian, I know that. This isn't your fault. You need to believe that."

"To let you get attacked once is enough, but twice?"

"You didn't _let_ me get attacked Christian, you had no idea…"

"Things are going to change; I mean it this time Ana."

I'm about to ask him what he means by that, but I hear his cell ring.

"Shit, it's my mother" he mutters as he takes the call "hey mom."

She's screaming so loudly that I can hear her, even though I'm fairly certain the phone isn't on speaker.

"Katherine told me Ana is in the hospital!? Christian, didn't you think…"

"Mom" he interrupts harshly. "I'm sorry, I know I should have said something. What's going on with Ana, it's sensitive. I wanted to protect her privacy."

"What does that mean? Is she okay?"

"It's okay" I nod at Christian as I take a deep breath and muster all the bravery I can. "You can tell her."

"Are you sure?" he asks staring at me intently.

"Yes" I answer.

He nods and takes a need breath.

"Mother, Ana was attacked. She was… she was raped."

There's a long silence before I hear Grace respond.

"Is she okay?"

"Physically."

"Oh Christian" she says her voice breaking. "I'm so sorry dear. I'm so, so sorry."

I can tell Christian's sniffling back tears and I rub circles on his back to comfort him.

"Do you think it would help Ana if I brought the children to visit her?"

I stare wide-eyed and nod at Christian. That's exactly what I need. I want to see my babies so bad.

"Yeah" Christian responds. "Ana wants to see them."

"I'll be there in twenty minutes… and, Christian?"

"Yeah mom?"

"I love you sweetheart. "

"I love you too" he answers quietly as he hangs up.

"Are you sure you're okay with everyone knowing?" he asks gently.

"I'm not okay with _everyone_ knowing, but I'm okay with Grace knowing. I'm so excited" I add swiftly changing the subject. I'm sick of every conversation we have being so… intense. I want to think about something happy.

"Oh yeah, and why's that Mrs. Grey?"

"I get to hold my babies" I smile.

"They're lucky that you're their mom" Christian smiles back.

"And they're lucky that you're their dad" I say back.

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"Mommy!" Ted yells running full force into the room.

"Careful Teddy" Christian scolds as he picks him up. "Mommy has some boo-boos."

"Boo-boos?" he asks as he looks at me wide eyed.

"Mommy is so happy to see you" I say choking back tears as I hold my arms out to him.

Christian places him on my lap and Ted immediately kisses a bruise on my cheek.

"Is it all better now?" he asks sadly.

"Not _all _better" I reply as I kiss the top of his head. "But better, definitely better my precious little boy."

"I went to the zoo" he says excitedly.

"You did?" I reply in an impressed voice.

"I saw all the amnimals!" he yells.

"Really?" I ask. "Which was your favorite?"

"Tiger"

"Yes" Grace laughs "he was mesmerized by the tigers."

I smile down at him and smile. I love him so much, my innocent, curious little boy.

"And did you help grandma with Phoebe?" I ask softly.

"Yes" he answers.

"He is an excellent big brother" Grace beams proudly.

"Where's Phoebe?" I ask.

"She was napping" Grace explained. "I'm sorry dear, I didn't want to wake her."

"It's fine" I say masking my disappointment. "I'm sure I'll see her soon."

"Mrs. Grey" the doctor says entering the room. "I'm so sorry for the wait."

"It's okay" I say. "I was just catching up with my little boy."

The doctor nods slightly and then gives me a serious look.

Mrs. Grey I need to speak with you alone.

"Why?" Christian asks, the concern evident in his voice.

"I can only discuss this with Mrs. Grey."

"I'm going to take Teddy to the cafeteria" Grace interrupts noting the tension. "Teddy, do you want some jell-o?" she adds excitedly.

"Yeah!" he replies as she takes him from my lap.

"Bye-bye mommy."

"Bye sweetie" I reply my voice cracking. I don't want him to go. I've missed him. I've missed him so much, and I really don't want to hear what the doctor has to say. I've had enough. I'm done. If I get one more piece of bad news…

"Tell me what the fuck is going on with my wife!" Christian barks angrily.

"It's okay" I add. "Christian can be here. You can tell me whatever it is you have to tell me in front of him."

"Okay" she says eyeing Christian suspiciously. "Mrs. Grey, we discovered something when we were running tests, something I think you should be aware of."

"What?" I ask. God, would she just get on with this. It's like she's enjoying drawing out the suspense.

"You're pregnant" she says.

Oh God, Oh God no! This can't be happening. This is so… unfair. No! What if….

"How far along is she?" Christian asks quickly grabbing my hand tightly.

"About 6 weeks" she responds.

Oh thank God! Oh thank God, six weeks… that means it's Christian's baby. I'm having Christian's baby, again. I'm having another baby! This isn't bad news, this is wonderful news. God, in the midst of all this agony something good is actually happening. But wait, what about everything that's happened? Being attacked twice, passing out… What if he hurt the baby, what if _I_ hurt the baby.

"Is the baby okay?" I ask frantically.

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	17. Chapter 17

"Your baby is fine Mrs. Grey" the doctor responds calmly.

"Oh thank God!" I gasp happily.

I look over at Christian, but he still looks so stony-faced. "My wife was here two nights ago. Why didn't you tell her about this then? Why didn't you incompetent…"

"Christian!" I scold.

"The initial test came back negative, but we ran another test when your wife was brought in today and it came back positive."

"So you really aren't sure?" Christian yells.

"We performed an ultrasound during your wife's exam. That's how we determined how far along she is."

"And why wasn't I told about this!?"

"Christian, calm down. This is good news."

"I would have liked to know about this sooner. I would have acted different."

"How would you have acted different Christian? You're already acting over the top protective."

"Well apparently, my efforts haven't been good enough, Ana!" he snaps. He pauses a moment and then turns to the doctor "Dear God, are you sure the baby's okay?"

"We picked up a fetal heartbeat" the doctor nods.

I smile at Christian. "See Christian? Finally, _finally_ something good is happening! Aren't you happy?"

"Oh Ana" he sighs. "Of course I'm happy baby. I'm just worried…"

"Of course you are" I smile. "But you heard the doctor, the baby is fine."

"Yeah" Christian scoffs. "But you still aren't."

I look around nervously, but the awkward silence is finally interrupted by the doctor.

"You should be able to go home once you fill out some paperwork" the doctor says. "But you need to make sure that you come back if anymore issues come up with your head. If your vision gets blurry or you fall unconscious again…"

"I'll be sure to bring her back in" Christian nods.

"Mommy!" Ted yells barreling back into the room.

"Sorry" Grace says running after him. "I couldn't hold him back any longer. He's really missed you."

"Come here sweet boy" I say softly as I reach my arms out. I pull Ted back into my lap and rock him softly. "Guess what?" I whisper softly in his ear.

"What?" he asks wide-eyed.

"Mommy's going to have another baby."

Ted puts his hand on my belly and smiles.

Grace looks at both of us nervously.

"Ana is six weeks pregnant" Christian explains, and the relief that washes over her face is evident.

"Congratulations dear" she smiles.

I smile at Christian but he still looks so sad and worried, like the news hasn't affected him at all.

"What do you think Teddy?" I ask trying to lighten the mood. "Do you think you'll have a brother or another sister?"

"A brother!" Ted exclaims excitedly.

"Hmm, what do you think Grandma?"

"Oh" Grace replies. "Well, I don't know. Either one would be wonderful."

"Christian?" I ask happily.

"I'll be happy as long as we have a healthy baby" he says softly. "All I want is for you and our children to be healthy and happy."

I smile at him.

"Well I think we're ready to take Teddy and Phoebe home with us" I say as I hug Teddy closer. "Thank you so much Grace, for everything."

"It was no problem dear" she says softly. "Ana, I'm so sorry…"

"It's okay" I interrupt. "It's all okay now. Everything's going to be okay now!" I add with a smile.

Christian clears his throat and I glance at him. He has his fists clenched and he looks so pale. What is wrong with him?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Teddy and Phoebe are both asleep I sigh as I get into bed with Christian.

"That's good" he nods apathetically.

"What is wrong with you?" I snap.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, we just found out we're having another baby! It's wonderful, but you're acting so cold."

"It's because I'm scared shitless about you Ana!" Christian snaps.

"But you heard the doctor, me and the baby are fine."

"Physically. But mentally? Ana you're acting like this erases what happened. Like we can all just ignore it now, but baby it's not going to do you any good in the long run to deny this."

"I just want to be happy!" I say as I choke back a sob. "I don't want to keep talking about how horrible I feel, I don't want to keep thinking about that bastard, and how he put his hands all over me. I want to think about you, and our babies and the wonderful life we're going to have together!"

"Ana you're still so…"

"Still so what?"

"You still won't even let me look at you. You still flinch slightly sometimes when I touch you. You still have that terrified look in your eyes."

"Okay, so I'm not done healing yet. But I'll get there! Christian _we'll_ get there. But in the meantime why can't we be happy about this?"

"I just don't want you to use this as an excuse to hide from what you're really feeling."

"Would that really be so terrible? Would it really be so terrible for me to think about having another baby instead of thinking about all of this shit?"

Christian stills. "Are you going to keep seeing Flynn."

"Yes" I sigh. "I'll keep seeing Flynn, and I'll talk to you if any issues come up, I promise!"

"Okay" he sighs. "It is wonderful by the way. I can't wait to meet the newest Grey."

"I know it's early, but… What do you think about names?"

"It is pretty early" he chuckles. "Anastasia, we don't even know the sex yet."

"Well we can come up with a girl name and a boy name" I reply happily as I place my hand over my belly.

"Well" he says "I came up with Phoebe and you came with Ted. So this time how about I come up with a boy name and you come up with a girl name."

"Deal" I smile.

"Okay, let's see" he sighs. "I like the idea of Christian Jr."

"I like that too" I smile looking up at him.

"Okay, so now a girl name."

"I have one" I say nervously. "But I'm afraid you won't like it."

"Try me" he teases.

"Charlotte" I grin.

"I love it" he says as he kisses my cheek. "It's perfect. Just like you Mrs. Grey. Let's get some sleep. You've had a long day, to say the least."

"Christian" I interrupt staring at him intently. "What did you mean at the hospital when you said 'things are going to change?"'

"Don't mind that now" he says as he pulls me closer. "We'll worry about this in the morning. For now, let's get some sleep."

"Okay" I moan. "That sounds nice," but inside I'm a little concerned. What is my over-protective Christian planning?

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	18. Chapter 18

"Hey" I say to Christian excitedly. "I made your favorite for breakfast."

"Mmmm" he moans as he smells it. "It smells delicious baby."

"Thank you" I smile. "I'm quite hungry myself now that I'm eating for two."

"And how is Jr. doing?" Christian asks.

"Fantastic" I beam.

"Good" he replies.

"So what time are you leaving for work?" I ask as I pour myself some juice.

"I'm not going to work Anastasia" Christian says, his tone changing.

"Why not?" I ask.

"Because my pregnant wife who was sexually assaulted less than a week ago, was attacked again by the same son-of-a-bitch yesterday and has been out of the hospital for less than ten hours."

"I'm fine" I say coldly as I put a forkful of food into my mouth.

"Baby" Christian sighs. "It's great that you're focusing on the positive. It's great that you're happy about this baby, but you're still a long way from 'fine,' anyone would be."

"So what? You want me to wallow? You want to stay home so you can wallow with me?"

"No" he says sternly. "I want to do what I think is best for you."

"And what's that?"

"Spending time with our children together…"

"That sounds nice" I interrupt with a smile.

"And later this afternoon we have an appointment with Flynn."

"Christian, we just saw Flynn two days ago!"

"Yes, but this is an emergency situation."

"Emergency situation? Where's the emergency? I'm not suicidal, I'm not even upset!"

"That isn't necessarily a good thing Anastasia" Christian replies.

"It isn't necessarily a good thing that I'm not suicidal?"

"No, that you aren't upset. It's like you've shut down, like you're in denial. I know what that's like baby, I know what it's like to pretend that your problems aren't real, but in the long run you're only hurting yourself more."

"Would you stop it!" I snap. "God, it's like you won't be happy until I have a total meltdown!"

"Actually" he says as he stares into my eyes. "A meltdown would make me feel better."

"What?"

"It would make me see that your letting yourself feel, that your moving forward, that we're working towards something!"

"What do you want from me!?" I yell as I stand to my feet.

"I want my wife back!"

"What do you mean you want me back?" I ask. "Christian, I'm right here."

"Really Ana?" he asks. "Then take your clothes off."

"What?"

"Take your clothes off, let me look at you, let me touch you, let me make love to you."

"Oh" I scoff. "That's what this is all about-sex."

"No!" he yells. "Damn it Ana, this is about you. As much as you'd like to be, you aren't back to normal yet. You still need help baby."

"Fine" I sigh. "I'll see Flynn."

"Good girl" he murmurs.

I walk towards the front door.

"Where are you going?" he asks urgently as he follows me.

"To get the paper" I reply.

"Mrs. Jones didn't get it?"

"Apparently not, it's not on the table where it usually is."

"I'll get it" he says gently guiding me away from the door.

"Christian!" I reply. "Nothing is going to happen to me a foot away from the house!"

"Would you just do as I say?" he bites back. "I'm just trying to keep you safe!"

"But Christian-"

"But nothing Ana. Go eat your pancakes, they're getting cold."

"Fine" I mutter as I make my way back over to the table.

"Oh dear" I hear Christian say under his breath as he makes his way back into the house.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Nothing" he mumbles as he throws the newspaper in the recycling bin.

"What is it?" I ask as I walk towards him.

"Nothing Ana, it's just-"

"There's something about me in there isn't there?" I ask.

"Yes" he answers. "I have no idea how this happened Anastasia, I'm so sorry."

"What does it say?" I ask. Christian doesn't answer me.

"What does it say!?" I repeat louder. "Oh my God, does it talk about the… Does it say I was…"

"It does."

"Oh God" I gasp. "So everyone's going to know?" I ask as I feel the color drain from my face. "Everywhere I go, everyone I see they're going to know…"

"It's okay baby" he says soothingly.

"No it isn't!" I snap as I start to feel the damn I've built finally start to break. "It isn't fine Christian! This is so embarrassing I could die!"

I start to sob, but Christian has me in his arms in an instant. "Shhh" he says. "It's okay baby. It's all okay now. You don't have to be embarrassed about anything okay? Remember that. You did nothing wrong."

"Mommy?" I hear Ted ask as he walks into the kitchen.

"Oh Ted, baby" I say as I gather myself together.

"Why don't you go upstairs, I'll get him some breakfast" Christian says softly.

"Nonsense" I say as I take a deep breath. "I'm fine. I can make him breakfast. What do you want baby boy?" I ask excitedly.

"Oatmeal!" he yells as he throws his hands in the air.

"I think that's a great idea" I reply happily.

"Ana-" Christian says.

"You said you wanted to spend time with our kids" I reply coldly. "And I'd rather do that than cry."

"Damn it" he mutters under his breath.

"We still have that appointment at 1:00" he says as he sits in a chair and pulls Ted into his lap.

"Okay" I say ambivalently as I start to cook.

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	19. Chapter 19

"Peek-a-boo!" I say as I lift my hands from my face.

Phoebe's face lights up and she lets out an excited squeal.

Ted pulls on my shirt, and I can tell he's jealous of the attention I'm giving the baby. So I lift him up in my arms and blow a raspberry on his belly.

I wince as pain radiates through my side.

"Ana!" Christian barks as he runs towards me and takes Ted out of my arms.

"You need to take it easy" he whispers at me as he starts to tickle Ted.

"Sorry" I reply as I sit down and start to rock Phoebe gently.

"I want you to know something" he adds in a serious tone.

"What's that?" I ask.

"I'm looking into who released your information to the press. I've talked to a PI, a _different_ PI then I hired last time, and he thinks it was probably a hospital employee. I want you to know that I'm going to see to it that whoever was involved, along with any of their supervisors, loses their job. I also plan on suing the hospital and any media outlet that's run this story. This was a major invasion of your privacy Ana, I'm not going to let them get away with this. The people involved will pay- dearly."

"Okay" I nod as I smile at the baby.

"Aren't you angry?" he asks.

"Of course I'm angry" I reply. "I just don't think it's a good idea to talk about this in front of the kids."

"Are you ever going to talk about it?" he asks gently.

I stare at him for a moment unsure of how to answer, but then I hear my cell ring.

"It's Ray" I explain to Christian as a slight smile wipes across my face. Then it hits me. Ray must have heard about what happened. "What do I say?" I ask Christian shakily.

"I can talk to him if you want" he replies softly.

"No" I answer as I put Phoebe down. "I- I should do it. It's okay." Christian looks at me, eyes blazing with concern as I walk up the stairs.

"Hi Ray" I say nervously.

"Annie, sweetheart, are you all right?" he asks urgently.

"I'm fine" I answer as I clear my throat.

"I read that you were… that someone… Is it true?"

"Yes" I admit, my voice breaking.

"Oh Annie" he sobs. Oh God, what is happening, I've never seen Ray breakdown like this before.

"I'm sorry" I murmur.

"Don't you apologize" he replies adamantly. "Don't you ever apologize about this ever."

"I should have fought harder, I let you down" I explain as I start to cry.

"Nonsense" he says. "Annie, you have never let me down. I'm so proud of you. I am _so_ sorry sweetheart. What you must be going through…"

"Well" I reply as I pat the tears off my face and fight more sobs from escaping "I have some good news too."

"What's that?"

"Me and Christian are having another baby."

"And the baby is okay after…"

"Yes" I reply, interrupting him. "The doctor said the baby is fine."

"Oh Annie, that's wonderful. I can't wait to have another grandbaby!" he replies, but his voice is still so shaky.

"Listen Ray" I sigh. "It was great hearing from you, but I've got an appointment in like a half hour that I should start getting ready for."

"All right" he replies. "But Annie, if you need anything…"

"I'll call you."

"You know you can, right? You know you can always call me for help."

"I know daddy" I smile. "I love you."

"I love you too Annie."

God that was brutal. Poor Ray, he's so devastated. I was hoping he'd never have to find out about this, but to find out the way he did. Reading about it in the paper…

I can't think about that now. I can't let myself go there. I need to get ready. I run into the bathroom and move towards the shower as I pull my shirt off, but I stop as I notice the bruises covering me.

I stare at them for a moment. Some are from before, but some are new. I remember the night after the first attack. I was so devastated, but the thought that the bruises would get better comforted me. The thought that I would feel better comforted me. But now… It isn't better. It's worse. Everything feels worse. My eyes go to the burn on my chest. The haunting memory of Christian's words from when we were in the hospital that first time ring in my ears. _"It's going to take a long time to heal Ana, a very long time."_

"No!" I scream as I pick up the blow dryer lying on the bathroom counter and throw it at the mirror as hard as I can. The glass shatters and falls everywhere, and I'm no longer staring at myself, I'm staring at a pile of broken glass.

I turn around and see Christian standing in the door way.

I try for a moment to explain myself "Umm, I-"

But he quickly runs over to me.

"It's okay Ana" he says softly, and with that I lose it. I fall into his arms and sob. Sob harder than I ever have in my life. My whole body shakes and my face feels sore, but it feels so therapeutic.

"Shhh" Christian says gently as we both collapse to the floor.

"Shh" he continues as he pulls me into his lap and puts his arms around me. "It's okay baby. It's all going to be okay now."

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	20. Chapter 20

"Hello Ana" Flynn says as I nervously walk into his office.

"Hello" I reply politely as I sit on one of the couches in his office.

"I heard you had quite the day yesterday."

"Christian talked to you?" I ask confused. When did Christian have time to call Flynn?

"No Ana, I read the paper this morning."

"Right" I sigh as I glance at the floor. The paper. Of course, he read about it in the paper. Just like _everybody _must have read about it in the paper.

"That's quite a lot to have to deal with all at once" he says sympathetically. "How are you coping with all of this?"

"I'm trying to focus on the positive. I found out that Christian and I are having another baby."

"Congratulations."

"Thank you" I smile.

"How does Christian feel about the pregnancy?"

"Christian thinks I'm using it as a way to avoid my feelings about the um… rape."

"Do you think he's right?"

"I'm not sure. I mean I've definitely broken down a couple of times. I just don't see the point in being sad all the time when I could be happy…"

"Are you happy Ana?"

"Yes. When I'm with Christian and the kids. When I think I about this new baby."

"When you're with Christian and your children, do your feelings about the attack go away?"

"I try to make them go away…"

"But do they?"

"No" I admit sadly. "Not completely."

"Do you pretend they've gone away?"

"I guess…"

"So you aren't being honest with yourself about your feelings?"

"I guess not. Am I doing something wrong?"

"No Ana, you aren't doing anything wrong. You're using a defense mechanism. In the short term, it isn't necessarily a bad thing. You're trying to protect yourself. We just need to make sure you aren't making a habit of it. If you can't admit your feelings to yourself you won't be able to talk about them, and if you aren't able to talk about them I won't be able to help you."

"Okay, so what should I do?"

"One thing we can do, if you're comfortable with the idea, would be for me to ask you some specific questions about your feelings. You just need to think it through and answer my questions as honestly as possible."

"Okay" I nod. "I can do that."

"You also need to be honest with me about if I'm pushing you too hard. This needs to be at your pace Ana, if you aren't ready to talk about some things, that's perfectly fine."

"Okay" I repeat. "I can do that too."

"How do you feel about the fact that an article about your attack was printed in the paper?"

"Umm" I reply thinking it over "I think it was a shitty thing for them to do."

"Are you angry?"

"Yes."

"Do you have any other feelings?"

"I'm embarrassed, I feel violated… exposed."

"That must be difficult" he says sympathetically.

"Yeah" I nod. "It should have been my decision to tell people, and now… That's been taken away from me."

"It's very unfair" Flynn agrees sympathetically.

"It feels like I've been attacked for a second time… or a third time actually."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"I don't know" I shrug.

"You don't know?" Flynn asks arching a brow.

I shake my head.

"Well think about it" he challenges. "Search your mind and tell me whatever you come up with, even if it doesn't make sense."

"Okay" I mutter as I think hard. "I feel- scared."

"Scared? Of what?"

"Of what happens next. This past week it's just been one hideous thing after another, and I'm just afraid that something worse is going to happen."

"What would be worse?" Flynn asks.

"I don't know" I answer.

"You must have envisioned something if you're scared."

"I guess… I'm afraid Christian's going to leave me" I admit, surprised by myself as I say it.

"Has Christian done or said anything to make you think this?"

"No" I reply looking down. "I just feel so…broken. I don't understand why he'd want me after this. I can't give him what he needs."

"And what's that?"

"Sex" I answer honestly.

"Do you think that is the only part of your relationship with Christian that matters to him?"

"No" I answer. "But, I mean-come on. It's important."

"Have you talked to Christian about this?"

"A little" I answer.

"And has he been supportive and understanding?"

"Yes" I answer with a smile "He's been really great."

"What makes you think that is going to change?"

I shrug my shoulders. "What if he gets tired of waiting?"

"I think you should talk to him" Flynn answers. "Perhaps that will settle some of your insecurities. We can schedule another joint session if you'd like."

"No" I interrupt. "It's okay. I think we should talk alone."

"That's fine" Flynn responds. "But you need to remember to be honest about how you're feeling Ana, with him and with yourself."

I nod. I can do that. I can talk to Christian. I mean, he is my husband after all….

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	21. Chapter 21

"Christian" I say nervously as I get into bed hoping to talk to him about my session with Flynn.

"Yeah baby?" he asks as he wraps his arms around me.

"It's just- never mind" I reply losing my nerve.

"What?" he asks as he nuzzles his nose into my hair.

I know I should talk to him, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to lose him.

"I love you" I say with a forced smile.

"I love you too baby" he replies.

I turn to face him and stare into his eyes. This is my Fifty. This is my husband. I love him so much.

I crash my lips onto his and kiss him hard. He seems startled by the sudden contact, but soon softly lays his hand on my hip.

"Mmmm" he moans into my mouth.

I run my hands down his sides until I get to the waistband of his sweatpants.

"Wow" he says pulling back and looking me in the eye.

I look away and stare down at the floor.

"Ana" he says softly as he guides my face back towards him. "Ana, what are you doing?"

"I'm just- I thought-"

"You thought what?"

"I just want to be with you" I say as tears fill my eyes.

"Oh baby" he says softly, "you aren't ready for this. Don't do this to yourself."

"But, I hate this" I cry as I sit up.

"I know you do" he says softly as he sits up and places his hand on my back. "I hate this too. This whole experience, I hate it worse than I've ever hated anything in my entire life."

"Are you ever going to want to have sex with me?" I ask looking at him.

"Of course Ana" he says reassuringly as he wraps his arms around me. "But, I'm not going to do anything with you that you aren't ready for. I'm not going to let you push yourself."

"Flynn said I should talk to you… about some things" I admit shakily.

"Oh?" he replies arching a brow.

"Just some insecurities I've been having" I explain.

"Okay" he says as he brushes some hair out of my face. "Talk to me."

"It's just. I'm worried."

"Worried about what?" he asks concerned.

"I'm worried about how this is going to affect our relationship in the long term."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I'm worried that you'll get sick of waiting" I explain as I gaze at him.

He stares at me for a long time and then finally speaks. "That's why you just did that?" he asks. "That's why you just-"

"Christian-"

"Ana, did you really think that I'd want you to do that? Force yourself to do something you're uncomfortable with? You think I'd leave you because you can't-"

"No!" I interrupt. "I-I don't know."

"Oh Mrs. Grey" he sighs. "I think I need there are some things I need to remind you of."

"What does that mean?" I ask confused.

"Standup" he says softly as he reaches his hand out to me.

"Okay" I reply as I standup and gaze at him.

"Do you remember our wedding Anastasia?" he asks as he caresses my face.

"Of course I remember our wedding" I reply.

"Do you remember my vows?"

"Yes" I answer.

"Really Ana, say them."

"I didn't memorize them word for word I argue."

"Say what you remember" he pushes.

"You said you'd always keep me in your heart" I say as tears fill my eyes.

"And-" he pushes further.

"You said you'd love me no matter what."

"I did" he smiles. "What else baby?"

"You said you'd comfort me."

"Mm-hmm" he agrees.

"And that you'd give yourself to me."

"I did give myself to you Ana" he says as he places my hand over his chest. "Only you, only my Ana. What we have hasn't changed Ana. We haven't changed. The bond between us is permanent it can't be broken."

"I know" I say with a smile, as something within me is awakened. I guess through these circumstances the tables have been turned. Like Christian did in the beginning of our marriage, I just needed reassurance that he wasn't going to leave. But I already knew that. I already knew he'd love me no matter what. I already knew he'd wait.

"You know?" he asks looking for confirmation.

"Yes" I reply confidently. "I know. I'm sorry I doubted you. It isn't you, it's just so much has happened and I'm so confused…"

"I know baby" he interrupts. "Don't apologize, don't ever apologize for being honest with me, don't ever apologize for wanting to hear how much I love you, because I don't mind telling you."

I smile at him appreciatively and then kiss him slow and tenderly. "I love you" I murmur as I pull back.

"And I love you Mrs. Grey" he answers.

I move towards the bed and he grabs my hand.

"What?" I ask as I look into his eyes.

"You said insecurities- plural. What else is bothering you?"

"Nothing" I say shaking my head.

"You said something before" he says as he strokes my hand with his thumb. "About feeling like the bruises made you ugly."

Fuck, I did say that. I said it because, well it's true.

"Do you need me to remind you how beautiful I think you are?"

"How are you going to do that?" I ask nervously.

"Here" he says as he guides me gently in front of the mirror near our closet. "Look at yourself Ana" he says gently. "What do you see?"

"I see that big gash on my lip" I reply.

"Yes" he says sympathetically. "There is a cut on your lip Ana, but it's still beautiful" he adds running his thumb across it. "I love this lip. It was the third thing I noticed about you."

"What were the first two?" I ask curiously.

"Well the first was your big, blue, beautiful eyes. The second was your flawless skin."

"It isn't flawless now" I argue.

"Mmm" he murmurs into my hair. "Yes it is. And your hair is so beautiful, and soft."

"My hair is the one thing he_ didn't_ touch" I say as I put my hand on his arm.

"He's gone now Ana" he says gazing into my eyes. "It's only me here. Only me. What else do you see?" he continues.

"I see that damn burn mark" I sneer.

He stills for a moment. "I hate that burn mark" he agrees. "But I love this" he says as he runs his finger across the skin of my chest. "Your skin is so soft and beautiful."

"There's a bruise on my chin" I add sadly.

"Yes" he says as he very gently tilts it so I'm looking up at him. "But I still love your chin. It's so delicate, and I love this spot right here" he adds as he caresses the area just below my lip. "This little indent here, right where your lip starts, it curls in when you pout."

"You still want me" I say turning around and looking at him. But this time it's a statement, not a question because I know the answer.

"Oh Ana" he sighs. "Yes, baby, yes. I will always want you. But I also want what's best for you, and that isn't sex… not yet anyway. Not like this."

I nod at him. "Thank you" I say as tears fill my eyes again.

"For what?"

"For reminding me. Of how great we are, of how much you love me, of how much I love you…"

"We're a team Mrs. Grey" he says as he wraps his arms around my stomach. "Me and you- we're the best team there is, and together we can get through this. Together we can fight this. We can make it through this perpetual night and into the daylight."

I smile at him warmly.

"Now let's go to bed" he says softly as he starts to walk away.

"Wait-" I say as I grab his hand.

"What?" he asks gazing at me.

"I think I'm ready."

"Ready for what?" he asks concerned.

"Ready for you to see me."

"What?" he replies.

"I want you to _see_ me" I explain.

"Are you sure?" he asks carefully. "Baby, you don't have to do this."

"I know I don't have to" I say as I take a deep breath. "I want to."

"Okay then" he says as he takes me by the hand. "How about a shower?"

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	22. Chapter 22

"Are you okay?" he asks as he cups my face.

"Yes" I answer. "I'm okay. Are you?"

"Of course" he answers. "If you get uncomfortable I want you to tell me, and I'll leave."

I nod, but I know that isn't going to happen. I don't want him to leave. I don't think I could ever want him to leave again.

"Do you need help?" he asks softly.

"Help with what?" I ask.

"Undressing" he answers.

"Oh" I respond. "Um, I think I can handle it."

"Okay" he says as he takes his own shirt off and walks towards the shower. God I love seeing him shirtless. I can see all his muscles and it reminds me of how strong he is, how safe I feel in his arms.

I drop my robe to the floor and then shimmy out of my nightgown. Even though it's Christian, it does feel weird to be this exposed- only in my bra and panties. All of the bruises are in plain view, along with the burn mark. I cross my arms over my chest.

"I think that should be a comfortable temperature" he says as he walks away from the shower and towards me. "You're sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine" I respond looking up at him. The look he gives me back makes all of my insecurities melt away.

"You're very beautiful Mrs. Grey" he says as he gently moves my arms away from my chest with his hands. "It's okay. It's just me. It's just your husband. Just your Christian. I love you. I'd never hurt you, you know that."

I nod. "Of course I know that."

"Are you nervous?" he asks softly.

"A little" I admit.

"You don't need to be" he responds.

I close my eyes and unclasp my bra, letting it fall to the floor. I keep my eyes closed afraid of Christian's response, afraid that I look different somehow and that he's disappointed or appalled.

"Open your eyes baby" he says softly.

I glance up at him.

"You're beautiful" he says reassuringly.

"Still?" I ask looking down.

"Yes" he replies guiding my chin so I'm looking up at him. "Always."

He removes his own pants and boxers in one move and then makes his way into the shower. He holds his hand out to me.

"Come on baby" he says softly. "It's okay."

I slide my panties down my legs and then take his hand. Everything is so intense. This is the first time he's seen me since the rape. The first time _all_ my bruises have been exposed to him. The first time we've been this close. I hate that the scumbag that did this to me took this away from me for so long. I hate how he's made me feel. I hate that he's had so much power over me. I begin to sob.

"Hey" Christian says softly. "Hey, baby it's okay. I'll go."

"No!" I shout as I grab him and pull him close to me. "Stay. Please."

"Oh Ana" he says as he wraps me in a hug and buries his face in my hair. "Of course."

I start to sob louder and he caresses my back.

"Shhh" he says softly. "It's all right. I've got you."

This reminds me of the shower we took after Jack's attack. The circumstances are eerily similar. I'm even pregnant with another little blip.

My sobbing slows down until it ceases entirely.

"You okay?" he asks softly.

"Yeah" I say. "I think I'm better now."

"Good" he says as he caresses my face with his hand. "Can you turn around for me baby, I want to wash your hair."

"Okay" I say as I turn around.

His touch is soft, and it eases me further. As he finishes I relax and lean into his back. "That was nice" I sigh.

"It was" he agrees as he steps out of the shower. "Now let's get you to bed, you've had a long day."

He wraps me up in a towel and then scoops me up in his arms, and carries me to our bed. As I gaze up at him I know that everything really will be okay because I have him, and he has me. It might take a long time for me to heal but I'm not in this alone. Together we can get through this and we will.

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"Good morning Mrs. Grey" he says as I stir.

"Good morning Mr. Grey" I reply teasingly.

"How are you?"

"I'm good" I say with a smile.

"And how's the little blip?" he asks placing his hand on my stomach.

"Good" I answer. "She's good."

"She, huh?" he asks.

"I have a gut feeling" I explain.

"Well I would never bet against you" he jokes as he gets out of bed.

"Are you going to work this morning?" I ask softly.

"I am" he answers. "But only for a few hour. There are a couple of meetings I can't miss, but should be back after lunch."

"I love you" I smile as I sit up and lean against the pillow.

"Oh Ana" he sighs. "I love you too baby, so much."

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"Mommy" Ted says excitedly as I enter his room.

"Hey baby boy" I reply happily. "Ready for breakfast?"

"Yeah" he says excitedly as I scoop him up in my arms.

"Mrs. Grey?" Mrs. Jones calls as she enters the room. "You have a visitor."

"I do?" I ask, my voice filled with dread. I still haven't faced very many of my family and friends, and they must all know about the attack from the paper. I take a deep breath as I walk down the stairs.

"Ana!" I hear a familiar voice call out as he pulls me into his arms. "Oh Ana, I heard about what happened. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Jose" I answer pulling away. "When did you get into town?"

"I came as soon as I heard" he says looking into my eyes.

"What happened to you, it's so awful. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?"

"Well" I shrug. "Christian's gone for the morning, I could use a friend until he gets home."

"Okay" he replies. "Then I'll stay with you until he gets here."

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	23. Chapter 23

"I can't believe you're a mother" Jose says as he rocks Phoebe in his arms.

"I know" I agree with a wide smile. It is odd in a way, it feels like yesterday that I was back at college working at Clayton's and hanging out with Kate and Jose. "Kate is too, you're the only one who hasn't settled down."

"I need to find a girl first" he shrugs.

"You'll find someone. You've still got plenty of time."

"She looks just like you" he sighs looking at Phoebe. "She's a beautiful baby."

"She is" I say in awe. I love my baby so much. She's one of the things that have gotten me through this. To think I could have missed out on the rest of her life…

"Ana" Jose says softly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah" I say as I clear my throat and wipe a tear away from my cheek. "I'm fine. I guess it's just the hormones or something…"

"Hormones?"

Oh shit, I really put my foot in it. I don't know how many people Christian wants to know about this.

"I'm pregnant" I explain sheepishly.

"Oh God" he whispers as he pales. "Ana- I'm so sorry."

Oh he thinks- "No, no. It's okay, it's good. It's Christian's baby."

"Oh" he sighs. "For a second I thought-"

"I know" I interrupt. "It's okay."

"No it isn't. Ana, this- this is horrible."

"It hasn't been easy" I admit. "Especially now that everyone knows…. But Christian's been really great. He's been amazing, and I've been… a wreck."

"Don't be so hard on yourself Ana. For what you've been through- you seem to be doing really well."

"Thank you" I say weakly. I am desperate to change the topic. It's sweet that Jose cares and that he's trying to help, but I've just barely been able to talk to Christian and Flynn about this. "Thanks for stopping by, it's been really nice to see you."

"Of course" he replies as he lays Phoebe back down in her crib and hugs me. "You can call me if you need anything, you know that right?"

"I know Jose, thank you."

"I- I love you."

I pull back and stare at him. What does he mean? He must mean as a friend, right? I know Jose used to have feelings for me, but he knows I've never felt the same. Besides, I'm married now, and Jose has respected that. He's probably just emotional because of everything that has happened, after all we do have a fairly deep connection. We'll always be friends.

"I love you too" I whisper back. I really do love him. The same way I love Kate, and Mia. I regret not spending more time with him these past few months. It took this to get us together again. Maybe I should make more of an effort to reach out after this.

"Be safe" he says softly. "See you later."

I nod and watch him leave the nursery. I stand quietly for a moment and stroke Phoebe's cheek. I'm startled by a sudden voice.

"Hey."

"Christian!" I gasp. "You scared me; I thought you'd be gone longer than this."

"Um, I was able to get out of a few meetings" he says as he looks down at the floor.

"Christian, I would have been fine on my own" I smile. "You didn't need to do that."

"Except you weren't alone. The photographer stopped by to see you."

"Jose stopped by. Did you run into him on your way in?"

"No I heard the end of your conversation" he says as he runs his hands through his hair. I can't quite gage his emotions, is he… jealous? Oh shit, he heard me tell Jose I loved him.

"I meant as I friend" I mutter nervously in my defense. "I meant that I love him as a friend, you know that's what I meant…"

"I do" he nods. "I'm just not quite convinced that's what _he_ meant."

"Christian, come on! Don't do this. Not now."

"Did you two talk about what happened? Did you tell him anything about-"

"Of course not! For once in a really long time Christian, something nice happened. My friend came over to check on me. In case you haven't noticed my life's been pretty shitty lately, so I'm not going to apologize for seeing him-"

"I don't like that you were alone with him" he interrupts.

What the hell does that mean? He doesn't think I'd… How could he think that? "You don't trust me?" I ask angrily.

"I trust you, I don't trust him. Are you forgetting about the first time I met him?"

"What?" I gasp. "You're saying that you think Jose would-"

"I'm saying that the man clearly has feelings for you, and he's been… pushy in the past. I don't think you're ready for that yet. You are just starting to make progress. If you have a setback."

"Fine" I say as I cross my arms over my chest. "I promise not to see Jose until I'm feeling better unless you're with me. Can we stop fighting now?"

"Of course" he sighs as he walks over and wraps me in his arms. "I never want to fight with you Ana, I'm just worried about you."

"I know" I sigh. Even a normal person would be protective in this situation, but Christian? He must be going crazy. I know he's holding back for my sake.

"Ana" he says as he takes a deep breath. "There's a reason I ran out my late morning meeting."

"Oh?" I ask as I turn around to gaze at him.

"Yes" he cringes. "I have some news."

News? Bad news? Again? What could it possibly be? What else could have possibly gone wrong…

"I spoke to my father earlier today. They've set a date for Tom's arraignment."

Oh my God. I don't know why I didn't think of this… I should have been expecting this. For him to go to jail there has to be a trial, and for there to be a trial I have to see him. "Tom?" I ask weakly as tears form in my eyes.

"Yes, Tom. That's his name."

For some reason that seems weird too, he's been nameless in my mind for so long, that now-

"Do we have to go?"

"No" he says softly as he strokes my hair. "No baby, we don't have to do anything you don't want to do, but-"

"But what?"

"My father said that it might help if you made a victim's impact statement."

"What?" I scoff. "You want me to… to talk to him?"

"No, not to him, to the judge. You'd be telling your story Ana, you'd get a chance to let the person deciding this sick bastard's fate know what he did to you."

"I have to think about it" I say choking back tears. "Can I- can I have a minute alone?"

"Of course" he says softly. "I'll be around… if you need me."

"Christian-" I call as he starts to walk out the door.

"There's no 'if'."

"What?"

"You said 'if I need you;' there's no if. I need you. I'll always need you."

"Oh Ana" he sighs as he runs back over and wraps me in a hug. "I need you too baby."

**Thanks so much to everyone for your support on this story. I'm so sorry for the long update. I was struggling with where to take this story next. But I feel like I have a direction now. I was wondering what you guys would think about me starting the story over from Christian's POV and catching it up to this point, and then having it end with both of their POVs in kind of a courtroom drama sort of chapter. Do you think I should have Ana heal emotionally a little before that? Let me know what you think!**


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